You’re Never Too Old for Great Sex
While many senior citizens “retire” from lovemaking, many others don’t—and increasingly these sexy seniors are talking about it.
(Don’t miss details about my book giveaway at the bottom of this newsletter!
Giveaway ends November 1.)
The myth is that aging kills sexuality. The truth is that while many senior citizens “retire” from lovemaking, many others don’t—and increasingly these sexy seniors are saying so. One is Joan Price, now in her sixties, whose excellent book, Naked At Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex, relates how, at age 57, she fell madly in love with a man who was 64. They married and enjoyed hot, deeply fulfilling sex for many years until he passed away. The erotic heat of their marriage inspired Price to write her book, which deals with all facets of senior sex. It’s comprehensive, compassionate and quite an eye-opener. Read it and you’ll never again think that anyone is “too old” for great sex.
How many older people have sex?
Of course, aging brings sexual changes (more on this in a moment). Compared with the frenzy of teen sex, older sex is also less exuberant, less like Fourth of July fireworks and more like a cozy Thanksgiving. But for many (most?) older folks, interest in sex remains strong. If you’re playful and have an open mind, it’s not difficult to adjust to the erotic changes aging brings and enjoy satisfying sex into your nineties. In fact, as Joan Price relates, older sex can be an improvement over younger sex—bringing greater sensuality, deeper intimacy, and more erotic fulfillment.
How many older people have sex? In 2007, University of Chicago researchers surveyed the sex lives of a nationally representative sample age 57 to 85. Respondents were asked if they’d had partner sex during the previous 12 months.
Men answering yes:
57 to 64: 84%
65 to 74: 67%
75 to 85: 39%
Women answering yes:
57 to 64: 62%
65 to 74: 40%
75 to 85: 17%
More than half of men are sexually active until age 75, women until 65. After that, the main reasons things change are medical conditions and partner loss. Partner loss is a particular problem for women because, on average, women live longer than men and spend more years as widows, and because the vast majority of women are in relationships with men who are older than they are. As the men develop late-life medical conditions that limit sex, the men’s problems limit the women’s sex lives.
Does aging reduce sexual satisfaction? No! One survey asked a representative sample of 801 Americans aged 45 to 65: Did you enjoy sex more when you were younger? A majority—57 percent of the men and 59 percent of the women—said no, that sex at their age was just as enjoyable as it was when they were younger, or better. British researchers came to same conclusion in a survey of 4,000 older adults. Three-quarters of respondents under 45 said they felt sexually satisfied. For respondents over 65, the figure was identical, 75 percent. I agree. I’m 72, and enjoy sex with my wife as much as I did when we became lovers 50 years ago.
Problems Increase With Age
Of course, some sex problems increase with age. After menopause, women develop vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy, thinning of the vaginal wall. Both can make intercourse uncomfortable.
Older men develop arousal and erection problems. Arousal difficulties are disconcerting because many (most?) older men wistfully recall how they once become aroused instantly and effortlessly. In addition, some men develop erectile dysfunction (ED), inability to raise erections even during extended masturbation. But all older men’s erections become less firm and less reliable.
In addition, later-life medical conditions—in yourself or your partner—can interfere with sex: diabetes, heart disease, etc. And widowhood may eliminate one’s partner. This is a particular problem for women because they typically live longer than men.
Vaginal issues and erection difficulties make intercourse difficult or impossible for older lovers. Some people equate intercourse and sex, and decide that if intercourse becomes problematic, sex must be over. In fact, there’s much more to sex than intercourse. Those who jettison intercourse and focus instead on all the other marvelous ways to make love (“outercourse”) report very satisfying sex—kissing, hugging, mutual caressing, massage, genital hand massage, oral sex, sex toys, and perhaps some light kink (blindfolds, handcuffs).
Some older men worry that if they can’t raise erections, they can’t have orgasms. No! Erection is not necessary for male orgasm. In an erotic setting, with enough hand massage and/or fellatio, a man with no erection at all can still enjoy satisfying orgasms.
Sure, sex changes with age. But whether you’re enjoying the sexual fireworks of youth or the rich erotic mellowness of sex after 60, lovemaking can feel enjoyable and fulfilling at any age. And if you want to hear from dozens of sexually enthusiastic seniors, read Naked at Our Age, which includes their voices and pithy advice from sex therapists about making the most of all aspects of senior sex.
References
Bacon, C. et al. “Sexual Function in Men Older Than 50: Results from the Health Professionals Follow-Up Study,” Annals of Internal Medicine (2003) 139:161.
Beckman, NM and I. Skoog. “Determinants of Sexuality in 70-Year-Olds,” presented at the World Congress of Sexology (2005).
Dunn, KM et al. “Satisfaction in the Sex Live of the General Population,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2000) 26:141.
Kingsbury, SA. “The Impact of Aging on Sexual Function in Women and their Partners,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (2002) 31:431.
Golden, F. “Still Sexy After 60,” Time 1-19-2004.
Lindau, S.T. et al. “A Study of Sexuality and Health Among Older Adults in the U.S.” New England Journal of Medicine (2007) 357:762.
Panser, LA et al. “Sexual Function Of Men Ages 40 to 79: The Olmstead County Study of Urinary Symptoms and Health Status Among Men,” Journal of the American Geriatric Society (1995) 43:1107.
Price, J. Naked At Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. Seal Press, Berkeley, CA 2011.
Reynaert, C. et al. “The ZENITH Sample: Sexual Well-Being Remains Important in the Over-50 Population,” presented at the World Congress of Sexology (2005).
Toner, R. “Majority Over 45 Say Sex Lives Are Just Fine,” New York Times, 8-4-1999.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post, plus an article I wrote for Psychology Today.
If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
I am a 66-year-old woman and my libido has skyrocketed. Why? Not that I’m complaining. And my orgasms nearly take the top of my head off. Read my response…
I’m curious why I am always in the mood for sex. So I googled and came upon your Psychology Today blog. I am 61, happily married to my beautiful 50 year old wife of 27 years. Guess I’m one of the lucky few that can still get aroused 3-4 times a week although I am curious to why. Read my response…
I am a 67-year-old woman. My husband passed 3 years ago. I want sex every day or every 2 days, but haven’t had sex in 17 years. It’s like I’m sex-starved all the time. Almost anything arouses me—a little hug from a man or a kiss on the cheek. Yesterday I started viewing penises on the web. I take very good care of myself except for a little extra weight. Read more and my response…
I am a 56-year-old woman involved for 2 years with a 74-year-old man. He
has tried pills, hormone therapy and even I ejections. He is a wonderful
lover who brings me to orgasm every time with his hands (sometimes taking over an hour). Once or twice a month I can bring him to orgasm through fellatio. Read more and my response…
My dad’s nursing home won’t let him have a private room or let his girlfriend in his room because he has a roommate. Any suggestions for changing this policy? Read my response…
GreatSexGuidance Fall Giveaway
I am giving away 25 copies of my latest book, Sizzling Sex for Life.
Anyone can enter.
You don't need to be a subscriber (but it would be appreciated).
To enter, click here to email me your entry.
Only one entry per email address.
Winners will be chosen randomly on November 1, 2023.
Winners will be announced to the email address the entry was sent from.
Winners can choose from a hardcover copy or a PDF.
I wish you good luck and sizzling sex for life!