Women’s Rape Fantasies: How Common? What Do They Mean?
Many women who have them can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with them.
At first glance, rape fantasies make no sense.
But on closer examination, such fantasies are not unusual. Many men daydream about getting the girl by rescuing her from a dangerous situation—without the slightest wish to confront armed thugs, or be trapped in a fire on the 23rd floor.
Fantasies allow us to “experience” the outer limits of our imaginations safely, with no risk, and for some people—actually a surprisingly large number—that includes fantasies of coerced sex. In fantasy everything is permitted and nothing is wrong.
But rape fantasies raise thorny issues. Many women who have them can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with them.
Over the past several decades, many surveys of women’s rape fantasies have been published. They show that about four in 10 women admit having them (31 to 57 percent) with a median frequency of about once a month. Actual prevalence of rape fantasies is probably higher because some women may not feel comfortable admitting that they have them.
For one report, researchers at North Texas University asked 355 college women: How often have you fantasized being overpowered/forced/raped by a man/woman to have oral/vaginal/anal sex against your will?
Almost two-thirds (62 percent) said they’d had at least one such fantasy. But responses varied depending on the terminology used. When asked about being “overpowered by a man,” 52 percent said they’d had that fantasy, a situation often depicted in romance, i.e. “bodice-ripper” fiction. But when the term was “rape,” only 32 percent said they’d had the fantasy. These findings are in the same ballpark as the other reports.
Frequency of rape fantasies varied substantially. About one-third (38 percent) of respondents said they never had them. Of those who did, 25 percent reported these fantasies less than once a year. Thirteen percent had them a few times a year, 11 percent once a month, 8 percent once a week, and 5 percent several times a week. (In real life, 21 percent of respondents said they’d been sexually assaulted.)
Rape fantasies can be either erotic or aversive. In erotic fantasies, the woman thinks: “I’m being forced and I enjoy it.” In aversive fantasies, she thinks: “I’m being forced and I hate it.” Almost half (45 percent) of the women had fantasies that were entirely erotic. Nine percent were entirely aversive. And 46 percent were mixed.
Rape or near-rape fantasies are central to romance novels, the perennial best-selling category of fiction. In romance fiction a handsome cad becomes so overwhelmed by his attraction to the heroine that he loses all control and must have her, even if she refuses—which she does initially, but then eventually melts into submission, desire, and ultimately fulfillment. Cue wedding bells. A classic title is Love’s Sweet Savage Fury, which implies at least some force.
Romance fiction has been called “porn for women.” Actually, romance fiction is not porn, but both genres spring from gender-based erotic fantasies. In porn for men, the fantasy is sexually eager women who can’t get enough and have no interest in a relationship. In romance fiction the fantasy is to be totally, utterly desired. The man’s unrelenting desire threatens the female protagonist, but she uses her wit, intelligence, charm, and sex appeal to overcome the threats as she domesticates her man into a companion and lover who is eager to marry her.
What do rape fantasies mean? In my opinion, nothing. They are like all other fantasies, fleeing thoughts that bubble up in our minds and then depart. They are neither good nor bad, and not wrong nor perverted. They imply nothing about one’s mental health or real-life sexual inclinations. They just happen, to somewhere around half of women. If you have rape fantasies and feel bad about them, I can’t tell you how to feel. But I can assure you that you are not alone. Rape or near-rape fantasies are surprisingly common, and as far as sexologists are concerned, harmless.
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
Reference
Bivona, J. and J. Critelli. “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents,” Journal of Sex Research (2009) 46:33.
Bivona, J. and J. Critelli. “The Nature of Women’s Rape Fantasies: An Analysis of Prevalence, Frequency, and Contents,” Journal of Sex Research (2009) 46:33
Critelli, JW and JM Bivona. “Women’s Erotic Rape Fantasies: An Evaluation of Theory and Research,” Journal of Sex Research (2008) 45:57.
Gold, S.R. et al. “Two Studies of Female’s Force Fantasies,” Journal of Sex Education and Therapy (1991) 17:15.
Lehmiller, J. Tell Me What You Really Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Hachette, 2018.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here is where I usually present questions relate to the topic of this post. Though I’ve had none that relate specifically to rape fantasies, here’s some about other fantasies.
If you’d like to ask me a question of your own - on any sexual topic - please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
I have been having issues with my husband and porn. Your article has helped me understand some of his point of view. He actually became addicted to porn over the years and hid it from me even though I didn’t have a HUGE problem with it. (I wasn’t happy about it, but it wasn’t an end-all situation.) However he became emotionally and sexually attracted to my sister, and began fantasizing about her using her pictures for self pleasure and then imagined I was her when we were intimate. Read more and my response…
As someone who is turned on, inspired and who feels awakened to life when meeting beautiful women, I have shame around the fact that I have always enjoyed anal play with toys (or whatever is handy). I feel like it makes me fear going forward with dating women in case it becomes an issue. I also worry about being able to perform with the women I feel attracted to. Read more and my response…
My 55-year-old husband’s fantasy is for me to have sex with a black man. He gets very aroused by this fantasy. He also enjoys watching interracial porn–black men, white women. I’m not interested in sex with anyone but him. I don’t want to fuck a black man, or any other man. But my husband keeps harping on this fantasy. Why? How can I make him stop? Read my response…
I have always enjoyed anal sex activities since my early teens. Now I’m old and widowed. My fantasies during masturbation always revolve around having some form of scat activity with the woman. Is this extreme fantasy unusual? Or is it more common than reported due to shame and humiliation? Read my response…
I have a high sex drive and mostly I’m a tactile/visual person. However I’m having trouble keeping to do lists out of my brain during sex. It seems like everyone is always talking about fantasies and how they can improve sex lives. I don’t know how to fantasize (my parter will never tell me if he does and roll play make him feel silly.) I need spice, is fantasizing something I can learn? Read my response…