Women from Venus? Men from Mars? The Real Sexual Gender Divide
While men and women do, indeed, show gender differences with regard to sex, their differences are much smaller than the Venus-Mars dichotomy suggests.
Perhaps you’ve heard that women are from Venus, and men are from Mars. In this formulation, women use sex to have relationships, while men use relationships to have sex. Women want partners, men want something else that begins with “p.”
How wise is this conventional wisdom? The genders differ, of course, and feel differently about sex. But most discussions of the male-female divide claim the differences are vast and unbridgeable, that men and women can’t understand each other.
A major analysis of gender differences around sexuality paints a different picture. Researchers at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, analyzed more than 500 studies published since 1943. They combined those results with the findings of several other large ongoing surveys that included tens of thousands of adults. The time span and enormity of these studies suggests valid results.
And what were the results? While men and women do, indeed, show gender differences with regard to sex, their differences are much smaller than the Venus-Mars dichotomy suggests.
Heterosexual Intercourse
The myth is that men are eager to jump into bed with any woman who seems halfway interested, while women pick and choose very carefully. Consequently, we would expect men to report considerably more intercourse than women.
Gender differences in reported intercourse are, indeed, large among teens and those in their twenties. But over time, differences decrease. Considering adults of all ages, rates of heterosexual intercourse reported by men and women are roughly equivalent. Men report slightly more frequent intercourse with a slightly larger number of partners, but given the broad belief in huge gender differences, the actually differences are surprisingly small.
Age at First Intercourse
The myth is that testosterone-crazed young men lose their virginity much earlier than supposedly timid young women. Again, the actual differences are smaller than the mythology suggests. Before 1970, the average age at first intercourse for men was 18, for women, 19. But since the mid-1990s, the average age of first intercourse for both men and women has been 15 to 16.
Oral Sex
From World War II through the 1960s, oral sex (cunnilingus and fellatio) represented the sexual frontier. Today, oral is far from ubiquitous, but most people have tried it, with very little gender difference. Most of the studies in this analysis did not distinguish between providing and receiving oral, but the National Health and Social Life Survey did, and it shows that 77 percent of men report performing cunnilingus, while 73 percent of women report receiving it, and 68 percent of women report performing fellatio while 79 percent of men report receiving it. Again, the gender differences are smaller than the mythology asserts.
Extra-Marital Sex
The myth is that horny men have lots of affairs, while more demure women do not. It’s difficult to study extra-marital sex because, even in anonymous surveys, many are reluctant to admit affairs. But the studies in this analysis are fairly consistent in showing that about 25 percent of men and 15 percent of women report affairs. That’s a significant difference—but it’s smaller than many people imagine.
Masturbation
Like extra-marital affairs, solo sex is also difficult to study because many people are reluctant to admit their actual frequency. Compared with older studies, more recent research shows less difference in admissions of masturbation. However, self-sexing is one of the few elements of sexuality that show substantial gender difference. During the past year, 75 percent of men and 67 percent of women admit they’ve masturbated.
Sexual Guilt
Historically, women’s sexuality has been more closely regulated than men’s—with women’s violations of perceived sexual propriety more severely punished. As a result, we would expect women to experience more sexual guilt than men. In studies before 1960, this was the case. But since then, women’s sexuality has become less stigmatized as women have become less confined to the home and more engaged in the world of work. Consequently, women’s sexual guilt has plummeted. Today, men and women report much smaller differences.
Sexual Satisfaction
The studies in this huge analysis show no real gender difference in sexual satisfaction.
I want to emphasize that these findings come not from a single study, but from more than 500 reports published over the past 80 years. They may not be perfect, but they strike me as persuasive.
Women are not from Venus and men are not from Mars. The two genders are increasingly finding common sexual ground between those to planets. Women and men are both from Earth.
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
References
Petersen, J.L. and J.S. Hyde. “Gender Differences in Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors: A Review of Meta-Analytic Results and Large Datasets,” Journal of Sex Research (2011) 48:149.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post.
If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
“I am 36 years old and my girlfriend is 43. We love each other very much and feel made for each other . She was married for many years to a bad man. Her ex forced her to have sex in ways she didn’t like. She told me she closed her eyes and just let him do whatever until he was done, the faster the better. Every day she dreaded his demands. She hated sex with him and never had orgasms. They divorced…” Read more and my response…
“I suffer great anxiety over my man’s porn watching. I was happy to find your article explaining that men self-sooth by using porn, and that they still love and desire their woman. But at the very end you switched it to men using porn to turn them on for partnered sex, which to me is completely different….” Read more and my response…
“My wife and I tried anal sex, and being ignorant, didn’t use lube at first so it was uncomfortable for her. Me, I was hooked. I love the power, mystique, and taboo of it, and love the feeling of ejaculating in her anus. We have triedit with lube since but our earlier experience turned her off and she didn’t want it…” Read more and my response…
“I’m 39 and have been married to my husband, whom I love very much, for 12 years. We’re about the same age. He is a wonderful husband and I know he loves me dearly. The problem is that we have never (!) had a good sex life….” Read more and my response…
