Why Does My Man Watch Porn? Is He a Sex Addict?
Today, more than 25 billion Web pages present every type of X-rated fare imaginable for free 24-7-365 on everything from desktop computers to smart phones.
Until 1980, people (i.e. men) interested in porn had to visit the few thousand adult theaters peppered around the nation’s cities, suburbs, and rural areas. People talked about “trench coats” and “dirty old men.” Then home video arrived, and soon every rental outlet had an adult section. Viewing soared. Some men’s spouses became alarmed and a new term entered the lexicon, “porn addiction.”
Since the late-1990s when the Internet took off, porn sites have become one of men’s top destinations. Today, more than 25 billion Web pages present every type of X-rated fare imaginable (and some you probably never imagined) for free 24-7-365 on everything from desktop computers to smart phones. And today, many people (mostly women) consider “porn addiction” a major problem.
Is it? In my opinion, no. A small fraction of men watch so much so compulsively that it is a problem. They need therapy. But the vast majority of porn viewers are regular, normal, decent guys who enjoy a little X-rated action to add some zing to masturbation. Is this “addiction”? A public health problem? Not as far as I’m concerned.
The Audience: Men Solo
Who views porn? Overwhelmingly, men solo. According to Adult Video News, the pornography trade magazine, 71 percent of X-rated media is viewed by men solo, 19 percent by heterosexual couples, 7 percent by gay male couples, and 2 percent by women, either solo or lesbian couples. Men who use porn solo account for almost three times as much as all other users combined.
No surprise there. Men become aroused visually, while women become aroused by sensual touch. That’s why men love women in skimpy outfits and lingerie (they view it) while women love bubble baths and spa treatments, and silk (they feel it).
In addition, pornography celebrates men’s erotic fantasies, a world where women are perpetually horny, available, enthusiastic, and happy to service men endlessly while ignoring courtship, intimacy, marriage, birth control, infection prevention, and their own sexual satisfaction.
Critics charge that porn causes rape. It doesn’t. As Internet porn has become ubiquitous, the sexual assault rate has declined. Porn causes primarily one thing—masturbation. Generating erotic fantasies takes effort. Men figure: Why expend the energy creating my own when porn provides more than I could ever want?
All the research on porn and my own interviews of sex therapists concur that men who use porn don’t consider it a betrayal of their relationships. They don’t love their spouses or girlfriends any less because of it, nor do they judge their lovers harshly compared with the women they see on screen. And except for the small group of compulsive porn consumers, the vast majority of men don’t consider it a substitute for their lovers.
Women’s Fears
Many women feel much differently. Illinois State University researchers visited Internet relationship sites and collected 100 posts by wives and girlfriends who had discovered that their men viewed Internet porn. They did not consider it an innocent masturbation aid. Quite the contrary, they felt traumatized and confused, and considered it incomprehensible that their lovers would spend time this way. They equated porn with infidelity, proof that their lovers no longer desired them. They also experienced deep feelings of loss—of the man’s affection, his sexual interest, and intimacy and trust in the relationship. They often described themselves as feeling old, fat, ugly, and worthless because of their lovers’ Internet porn habits. Women who were more accepting called their men “sick” and hoped they could be “cured.” Those who were less tolerant called them “perverts, degenerates, or sex addicts” and questioned whether the relationship could endure.
Clearly men and women differ about the meaning of pornography. For most men, porn represents a form a self-soothing, a way to take a little break from daily hassles by masturbating. Women often self-soothe by taking hot baths or shopping. The shopping analogy is apt. Women’s horror at the time many men spend viewing porn resembles men’s incredulity at the time many women spend shopping. “Another pair of shoes? You already have a million!” “I just like to know what’s out there, and these were so cute.”
Women’s Insecurities
One reason women recoil from porn, Fair Oaks, California sex therapist Louanne Weston, Ph.D., explains, “is that so many women feel so insecure about their bodies, especially compared with the women in porn.” Since the Internet, porn bodies have become more diverse than they were back when men in trench coats sat in those seedy theaters. Today, porn boasts every imaginable example of womanhood—every age, race, ethnicity, weight, and breast size. If you want to see wrinkled, gray-haired, 75-year old women with flat chests and sagging rumps give head, believe me, it’s out there. But this new diversity doesn’t change women’s self-consciousness. The women in porn flaunt it, shake it, and crave sex. Few real women are like that.
Women may also feel distressed about porn because they think they should be able to fulfill all of their man’s sexual needs. But they can’t fulfill his needs around masturbation, which, by definition, happens solo. “Too many women,” Weston says, “think a marriage license is a license to run their man’s sex life. They believe that once men say, ‘I do,’ they should no longer want to masturbate. That’s naïve.”
“Men like porn,” says Palo Alto sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D. “because it appeals to their fantasies of unlimited sex without responsibility. But women feel threatened because they fear men think they’re fat and ugly.”
“The men I counsel have no desire to toss their partners aside for women in pornography,” says Bloomfield Hills, Michigan sex therapist Denny Sugrue, Ph.D. “But they like porn for fantasy while masturbating. They don’t reject their lovers’ bodies, and they don’t see viewing as cheating or a sign of relationship dissatisfaction.”
Do Men in Relationships Have a Right to Masturbate?
Some of women’s disgust with porn has to do with objections to their men masturbating. But masturbation is our original sexuality. The vast majority of men were masturbating enthusiastically and frequently long before they met their spouses. Why deny yourself apple pie once you’ve discovered peach?
Some women whose posts the Illinois researchers collected had spouses who viewed pornography daily for hours, refusing real sex, and sometimes losing their jobs. When anything sexual interferes with one’s ability to work and love, that’s not healthy. Men who can’t control their porn consumption should consult a sex therapist. Here’s a key red flag: Planning to watch for five minutes then two hours later wondering what happened to the evening. Men interested in weaning themselves from porn can do it with the help of sex therapy. To find a sex therapist, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. To find a sexual medicine specialist, visit the Sexual Medicine Society of North America.
But as far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing wrong with otherwise well-adjusted men casually consuming porn while masturbating.
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
Reference
Bergner, R.M and A. Bridges. “The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvement for Romantic Partners: Research and Clinical Implications,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2002) 28:193.
Bridges, A.J. et al. “Romantic Partners’ Use of Pornography: Its Significance for Women,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2003) 29:1.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post.
If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
Why is there so much porn on the web? I watch it and love it. However, I wonder what motivates so many people to post their amateur videos. I thought people were far more inhibited than this. Read my response…
I have been having issues with my husband and porn. Your article has helped me understand some of his point of view. He actually became addicted to porn over the years and hid it from me even though I didn’t have a HUGE problem with it. (I wasn’t happy about it, but it wasn’t an end-all situation.) Read more and my response…
I’d really appreciate your insight on this matter. My partner and I have been together for 6 years, and he uses porn to arouse himself before having sex with me. I’m very open to all his fantasies as I have mine, and I’m open to watching porn together and no problem with masturbating. Read more and my response…
I read some articles that porn cause ED with real partner. Is that true? I only get hard while watching porn or thinking about fantasy. Read my response…
I am 68 and enjoy “mature” free porn. But I’m afraid that viewing porn is wrong and really legal. I don’t want to break any laws, but enjoy the photos and video of women my age or older. I don’t buy subscriptions or download anything. Is my fear real? Do I need to stop viewing porn? Read my response…