Why Do People Have Sex?
8 of the top 10 reasons why men and women have sex and 20 of the top 25 are remarkably similar.
Researchers have generally assumed that people have sex for one or more of three reasons: to have children, cement relationship bonds, and experience erotic pleasure. Turns out there are more reasons than that—234 more.
Psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss, of the University of Texas, at Austin, asked 442 people ages 17 to 52, one question: “Please list all the reasons you can think of why you or someone you have known has engaged in sexual intercourse.”
The myth is that sexually speaking, men and women inhabit different planets—men are from Mars, women Venus. An old saying about sex and intimacy corroborates this: Women have sex to become intimate. Men become intimate to have sex. There’s some truth to all this. But surprisingly, in the Meston-Buss survey, eight of the top 10 reasons why men and women have sex and 20 of the top 25 are remarkably similar:
Women’s Top 25 Reasons for Having Sex
(from most to least frequently expressed)
1. I felt attracted to the person.
2. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
3. It feels good.
4. I wanted to show my affection for my partner.
5. I wanted to express my love for my partner.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I felt horny.
8. It’s fun.
9. I realized I was in love.
10. I was swept up in the heat of the moment.
11. I wanted to please my partner.
12. I wanted emotional closeness/intimacy.
13. I wanted the pure pleasure.
14. I wanted an orgasm.
15. It’s exciting, adventurous.
16. I wanted to feel connected to the person.
17. The person’s physical appearance turned me on.
18. It was a romantic setting.
19. The person really desired me.
20. The person made me feel sexy.
21. The person caressed me.
22. It seemed like the natural next step in the relationship.
23. I wanted to become one with the person.
24. It just happened.
25. I wanted to deepen our emotional bond.
Men’s Top 25 Reasons
1. I was attracted to the person.
2. It feels good.
3. I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.
4. It’s fun.
5. I wanted to show my affection for the person.
6. I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.
7. I felt horny.
8. I wanted to express my love for the person.
9. I wanted an orgasm.
10. I wanted to please my partner.
11. The person’s physical appearance turned me on.
12. I wanted the pure pleasure.
13. I was swept up in the heat of the moment.
14. I desired emotional closeness/intimacy.
15. It’s exciting/adventurous.
16. The person had a desirable body.
17. I realized I was in love.
18. The person had an attractive face.
19. The person really desired me.
20. I wanted the adventure/excitement.
21. I wanted to feel connected to the person.
22. I wanted the experience.
23. It was a romantic setting.
24. The person caressed me.
25. The person made me feel sexy.
The myth is that men are obsessed with lust, while women view sex as a way to deepen relationships. Not quite. The top three reasons why both men and women become sexual have nothing to do with either lust or love. They are based on attraction and pleasure. Men and women gave the same priority to lust (#7) and almost the same to expressing love (#5 for women, #8 for men), and feeling closeness/intimacy (#12 for women #14 for men).
Americans focus a good deal of attention on sexual victimization (rape, incest, pedophilia, sexual harassment, etc.), and using sex for personal gain (money, a job, a promotion, drugs, etc.) These turn out to be among the least frequent reasons for having sex.
Women’s 10 Least Frequent Reasons for Having Sex
237. I wanted to spread a sexually transmitted disease.
236. Someone offered me money to do it.
235. I wanted to get a raise.
234. It was an initiation rite to a club or organization.
233. I wanted to get a job.
232. I wanted to get a promotion.
231. The person offered me drugs to do it.
230. I wanted to punish myself.
229. I wanted to hurt/humiliate the person.
228. I wanted to feel closer to God.
Men’s 10 Least Frequent Reasons
237. The person offered me drugs to do it.
236. I wanted to spread a sexually transmitted disease.
235. I wanted to punish myself.
234. I wanted to break up my relationship.
233. I wanted to get a job.
232. It was an initiation rite to a club or organization.
231. Someone offered me money to do it.
230. I feared physical harm if I said no.
229. I wanted to make money.
228. I wanted to feel closer to God.
Of course, men and women are different, and despite the similarities just mentioned, they have different reasons for having sex. The researchers calculated the reasons for sex that differed the most by gender.
The Top 10 Largest Gender Differences
1. The person wore revealing clothes. Stated significantly more often by men than women.
2. I wanted to feel masculine. More men.
3. I wanted to relieve “blue balls.” More men.
4. I wanted to feel feminine. More women.
5. The person had a desirable body. More men.
6. The person was available. More men.
7. The person’s appearance turned me on. More men.
8. It’s fun. More men.
9. I wanted to have an orgasm. More men.
10. The opportunity presented itself. More men.
Men were much more likely to have sex based on women’s physical characteristics: desirable body, attractive face, she turned me on. This finding supports a great deal of research showing that men are sexually stimulated by visual cues (for example, pornography).
Women were more likely to have sex based on its contribution to a relationship: I wanted to express my love. I wanted deeper emotional closeness. Again, this finding supports other research showing that most women prefer sex in the context of a committed relationship.
So why do men and women have sex? For many more reasons than most people think. And those reasons are more similar than most people believe.
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
References
Meston, CM and DM Buss. “Why Humans Have Sex,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (2007) 36:477.
Questions & Answers
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Hi, I’m 43 and my husband is 45. Happily married for over 20 years. We’ve alway had great sex at least 4-5 times per week. He’s healthy, doesn’t smoke, drinks occasionally, plays hockey regularly, our kids are 23, 14, 12. My problem is that I’d like to have sex with him even more often: 2-3 per day every day. It doesn’t have to be a penetration. Oral sex is great too. I look at him and I become wet. When I tell my husband, he says he can’t keep up with me. What should I do? I want him to want me as much as I do. Please help. Read my response…
I’m 38. My husband is 42. Sex, when we have it, is great. But he is overly sexed. If I were willing, he would mount me 24/7. Meanwhile, I’m under-sexed. I don’t have much sex drive, nothing like his. I’m rarely in the mood, which makes me guilty and drives him crazy. Is there anything I can take to heighten my libido? Read my response…
My husband thinks sex is too much work. We have been together for nine years and married for three. We love each other deeply and never argue. Just happy times. The only “problem” is his reluctance around sex. He never initiates it. We’ve talked about it and he says he’s not that into sex, that he finds it to be too much “work”. Read more and my response…
How common is it for a man of 65 to have a high sex drive and no problem with getting an erection? I’ve just ended an 8 year relationship due to his constant demand for sex. I am nearly 60 and sex was becoming unbelievably painful. He’s always been like this but I assumed over time, this would naturally ease but it didn’t. He could easily have sex every day. Read my response…