Why Do Men Visit Sex Workers?
This is the first survey conducted by a sex worker herself with her clients as subjects. It presents intriguing insights into sex work and men who pay for sex.
When I spoke with J.M., of Seattle, she had spent 15 years making her living as a sex worker. She was around 40, charming, articulate, and attractive but not movie-star beautiful. She told me she saw 10 men a week and happily gave them what they paid for. Her clients liked her—62 percent were repeat visitors.
But after seeing the movie, Kinsey about the early, controversial sex researcher Alfred Kinsey, she decided to give her clients something besides sex—a survey asking who they were and why they’d turned to her. She compiled results from 225 clients, and presented them at a meeting of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. I attended her presentation and spoke with her afterwards. There’s no shortage of surveys of sex workers and their patrons. But to my knowledge this is the first survey conducted by a sex worker herself with her clients as subjects. It presents intriguing insights into sex work and men who pay for sex.
Survey Conducted By A Sex Worker
J.M.’s sample was self-selected—men who visited her, and were willing to participate in her survey, so it can’t be viewed as representative of all men who pay women for sex. But it certainly provides food for thought.
Half of J.M.’s clients were single, half married. They were overwhelmingly white (93 percent). They ranged in age from 26 to 70, but the largest group was in their 50s.
One stereotype is that single men who visit sex workers are losers who can’t get dates. But J.M. characterized her single clients as attractive and charming. None struck her as losers. Most dated and had sex without paying for it (directly). So why visit her? Mainly, they felt sexually insecure:
• “I have sex, but I’ve always been anxious. My dating relationships haven’t progressed to the kind of comfortable sexual give and take I’d like.”
• “The more sex you have, the better you get at it. I want to learn more about women and how to give them pleasure.”
• “I get nervous on dates. The stakes are higher when you want an emotional connection. Here I can relax.”
Another stereotype is that married men who visit sex workers don’t get any—or enough—sex home. J.M.’s clients bore this out. Most had sex with their wives but not enough to suit them, and complained that their wives were not interested in sex or even in nonsexual affection.
• “At home I don’t get much kissing and touching. I asked my wife to go into therapy. She said, ‘We don’t need it.’ So this is my therapy.”
• “My wife and I are good friends but for me, there’s not enough physical affection or sex. So after much thought, I decided to make up for what I don’t get at home while not hurting anybody.”
• Many married clients told her, “I come here to save my marriage.”
Few married clients expressed any guilt about visiting J.M., just 8 percent.
Compared with the single men, J.M.’s married clients were more interested in her sexual responsiveness, They want her to have orgasms with them. “I want to know I can make a woman come.” Unlike many sex workers, J.M. is willing to have orgasms with clients who request it—26 of the clients who completed her survey.
J.M.’s clients’ top two sexual requests were fellatio (91 percent) and vaginal intercourse (71 percent). No surprise there. But many men, both single and married, also wanted more variety than what they experienced during noncommercial sex. “Here I can get diversity,” one said. Requests included receptive anal fingering (55 percent), non-genital massage (53 percent), nipple play (22 percent), receptive anal intercourse with a strap-on dildo (18 percent), and analingus and female domination/male submissiveness (4 percent).
I’ve seen many surveys of sex workers and their patrons. But this is the first survey of clients by a sex worker. While not earth-shattering, it breaks some new ground. More than half of J.M.’s customers wanted non-genital massage, and even more wanted to be on the receiving end of anal play. That’s not been previously reported. It suggests how diverse sexual relationships can be—with sex work providing a good deal of what men don’t get at home.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here one that relates to the topic of this post. If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
I am 33 y/o guy, still bachelor and still virgin. Sometimes I feel very depressed that I need a girl and I have not. Is it ok to go to a sex worker? Actually, I think it’s socially bad but I don’t see any other way to solve my problem. Tell me, will it be the right decision? Read my response.