The Real Lives of Highly Sexual Women
All the women said they felt intense sexual needs they could not ignore. All had struggled with feeling different from American cultural expectations of women.
In America, men have cultural permission to be highly sexual. Women don’t. A man who beds many women is a “stud.” A woman who acts similarly is a “slut.”
Sex researchers have largely ignored the lives of highly sexual women, but the one published study is illuminating. Ph.D. candidate, Eric Blumberg of Ferndale, Michigan, interviewed 44 highly sexual women. He defined “highly sexual” (1) having six or more orgasms a week solo or with partners, or (2) considering oneself highly sexual, with sex a key element in their lives.
Survey of Highly Sexual Women
To find subjects, he advertised in Detroit’s alternative weekly. The women ranged from age 20 to 82, in education, from high school to graduate degrees, and in employment, from janitor to CEO. The newspaper’s readers were overwhelmingly white, and so were the study subjects, with two Latinas, one African-American, and no Asians. As a result, this study can’t be applied to all women. Nonetheless, it’s a pioneering effort and quite intriguing.
All the women said they felt intense sexual needs they could not ignore. All had struggled with feeling different from American cultural expectations of women. And all had experienced distress about being highly sexual.
While growing up, they realized they were different from their friends and from how they were raised to be. More than half (57%) said they’d experienced “major conflicts” that caused “painful struggles” to accept themselves. All grew up considering themselves “sluts,” “nymphomaniacs,” and “sex addicts.” Most had been called these names by friends and lovers. All considered such name-calling unfair, though most believed the accusations were true.
Almost all the women eventually accepted themselves as highly sexual. For some (16 percent), this happened in their teens or twenties. Typically, these women had sex-positive parents who saw nothing wrong with having highly sexual daughters, or they had friends who reassured them that they were fine. But for most, self-acceptance came slowly and did not happen until they were well into adulthood. The process was usually gradual, often involving more than one divorce from men who reacted negatively to their wives’ unusual sexual enthusiasm.
Almost all the women had experienced many brief flings and/or simultaneous relationships with more than one partner. Ten (23 percent) were married and five more were in long-term relationships they considered “satisfying” (total who were coupled, 34 percent). However, most, including those in committed relationships, said they were open to flings.
Strong, insistent libidos that are difficult to control make these women appear rather “male.” They marry, but often have extra-marital affairs. Most described themselves as more comfortable with men than women, and many expressed pride that male friends considered them “one of the guys.” Many complained that their women friends just didn’t understand their sexual needs, a complaint many men voice about women.
Some psychologists assert that hyper-sexuality is associated with a history of sexual trauma or abuse. Ten of the 44 (23 percent) reported incest or abuse. But that’s in line with the one-quarter of American women who report having experienced sexual trauma. So sexual trauma/exploitation don’t explain why highly sexual women are that way. In the survey, almost all the women said that being highly sexual is “just who they are.”
Blumberg argues that none of the women appeared to be “addicted” to sex, nor did they feel uncontrollable sexual compulsions. Their descriptions “did not suggest that they were currently or ever had been sexually out of control in any meaningful way. Some described themselves as occasionally sexually impulsive, especially in their teens or twenties, but participants did not fit the general description of compulsion or addiction, nor did they report the negative consequences typically associated with sexual compulsion.”
They simply enjoyed sex a great deal, and once they accepted themselves, enjoyed sex exuberantly. Thirty-five of the 44 (80 percent) said that on balance, the impact on their lives of being highly sexual was positive.
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
Reference
Blumberg, E. “The Lives and Voices of Highly Sexual Women,” Journal of Sex Research (2003) 40:146.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post. If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
Hi. My girlfriend of eight months (she is 36 & I am 50) always wants to have intercourse. She is not interested in cuddling or connecting, or in talking about sexuality and sensuality in any deeper way. As she puts it, she just wants “that thing in me.” I don’t understand how a woman only wants the physical romp, literally daily. Read more and my response…
Why is my G-spot so sensitive? I want sex all the time and there’s no way to satisfy me. Is there something wrong with me? Never felt this way before. 45-yr-old female. Read my response…
I am 36 years old and my girlfriend is 43. We love each other very much and feel made for each other . She was married for many years to a bad man. Her ex forced her to have sex in ways she didn’t like. She told me she closed her eyes and just let him do whatever until he was done, the faster the better. Read more and my response…
Hi, I’m 43 and my husband is 45. Happily married for over 20 years. We’ve alway had great sex at least 4-5 times per week. He’s healthy, doesn’t smoke, drinks occasionally, plays hockey regularly, our kids are 23, 14, 12. My problem is that I’d like to have sex with him even more often: 2-3 per day every day. Read more and my response…