The Rare Truth About “Tight” and “Loose” Vaginas
Notions of vaginal tightness and looseness are fraught with mythology. The truth is considerably different.
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Many women complain that their vaginas are “too tight” or “too loose.” Many men also raise the issue. Notions of vaginal tightness and looseness are fraught with mythology. Many people believe that (1) the virgin vagina is extremely tight, (2) that loss of virginity permanently loosens it, (3) that frequent sex loosens it further (so avoid promiscuity!), and (4) that childbirth loosens the vagina even more and possibly forever after. The truth is considerably different.
Vaginal Tightness
Imagine a hand towel stuffed inside a thick sock squeezed by two hands. The sock is the vagina. The towel is the folded muscle tissue of the vaginal wall. And the hands are the pelvic floor muscles that surround the vagina.
The vagina’s tightly folded muscle tissue is very elastic, like an accordion or the mouth. Try this: Pull the corners of your mouth out toward your ears then let go. What happens? The mouth immediately snaps back to its pre-stretched state because the tissue is elastic. Do it 100 times. There’s no permanent stretching. The mouth quickly returns to its pre-stretched state and no one would ever know you’d stretched it.
The same goes for the vagina—with two exceptions I’ll discuss shortly. When it’s at rest—all the time except during sexual arousal and childbirth—the vagina’s muscle tissue remains tightly folded like a closed accordion. Anxiety makes the vaginal musculature clench even tighter. That’s why young girls sometimes have problems inserting tampons. Their vaginal muscle tissue is tight and contracted to begin with, and many girls feel anxious about touching themselves and inserting anything, so the muscles contract even tighter.
As women become sexually aroused, vaginal muscle tissue relaxes somewhat. Biologically, this makes perfect sense. Evolution is all about facilitating reproduction. A tight vagina would impede intercourse and reproduction, so women evolved to have sexual arousal relax the vaginal muscles, allowing easier insertion of erections—and greater chance of pregnancy.
However, arousal-related vaginal loosening does NOT produce a big open cavity like the inside of a sock. Rather, the vaginal interior changes from resembling a tight fist to a fist loose enough to insert a finger or two.
If the vagina feels “too tight” during lovemaking, the woman is either (1) not interested in sex, or (2) she has not had enough warm-up time to allow her vaginal musculature to relax enough for comfortable insertion.
A man who attempts fingering, toy insertion, or intercourse before the woman has become fully aroused—that is, before her vagina has relaxed and become well lubricated—is either sexually unsophisticated or a boor. Most women require at least 20 minutes of sensual play—kissing, hugging, and mutual whole-body massage—for their vaginas to relax sufficiently to allow fingers, toys, or penises to slide in comfortably. That’s why leisurely, playful, whole-body lovemaking is so important. It gives women the warm-up time they (and most men) need. In addition, it allows the vagina to relax, and, in most women, produce enough natural lubrication for comfortable intercourse. In other words, the solution to vaginal tightness is extended foreplay. It you need more lubrication, try a commercial lubricant.
If a woman experiences pain and/or great difficulty inserting tampons or accepting fingers, toys, or erections, possible causes include a thick, intact hymen (imperforate hymen), and vaginismus, unusual clenching of the vaginal muscles. Consult a physician or gynecologist.
With age—especially if you’ve had a hysterectomy, pelvic radiation, or reconstructive surgery for uterine prolapse—the length of the vagina may shorten, and the opening may narrow. This may cause feelings of tightness and pain during intercourse. If you experience this, don’t despair. Discuss your options with your gynecologist. Several treatment methods are available, such as physical therapy, the use of vaginal dilators, or surgery.
Vaginal Looseness
After relaxing during sex, vaginal muscle tissue naturally contracts, that is, it re-tightens to its resting state. Intercourse does NOT permanently stretch the vagina. This process—loosening during arousal and re-tightening afterward—happens no matter how often the woman has had sex. However, there’s one exception—women involved in group sex who have intercourse with several men in rapid succession. In such situations, the last man probably experiences a looser vagina than the first. The musculature has not had time to re-contract.
The vagina stretches a great deal during childbirth, like an accordion opened all the way. Post-partum it usually re-tighten completely, at least in young women, that is, those in their teens and twenties. Within six months after delivery, the typical young woman’s vagina feels pretty much as it did before she gave birth.
Now for the two exceptions I mentioned earlier. If you stretch elastic a great deal, over time, it fatigues and no longer snaps back entirely. That can happen to the vaginas of young women after multiple births. Their vaginal muscles fatigue and not fully contract. In addition, aging reduces vaginal muscle tone. Whether or not women have given birth, as they grow older, they may complain of looseness.
Today, many women delay childbearing until after 30, and some have children after 40. Combine the rigors of older childbearing with the effects of aging on the vaginal muscles, and many older mothers complain of looseness. Women who give birth after around 30 may notice persistent looseness after delivering only one child. (Individual differences account for the fact that birth- and age-related looseness happens to some women and not others.)
Here’s a quick fix for vaginal looseness. Have intercourse using the man-on-top (missionary) position. Once he inserts, he lifts himself up and the woman closes her legs. Her thighs squeeze his penis and make her feel tighter.
The tightening approach most often recommended by sex therapists is Kegel exercises. Kegels, named for the doctor who popularized them, involve contracting the muscles used to interrupt urine flow or squeeze out the last few drops. Search the Internet for how to do Kegels.
Kegels do, indeed, tighten the vagina, but ironically, they have nothing to do with the vaginal muscles. They strengthen the pelvic floor muscles that surround the vagina, the hands that hold the stuffed sock. Age and childbirth fatigue these muscles. The hands don’t grip the sock as tightly and the towel feels loose. Kegels tighten the pelvic floor muscles. The hands squeeze the sock more tightly, which clamps down on the towel, and the vagina feels tighter.
Kegels are totally private. They can be practiced anytime anywhere. Start slowly and over several weeks, work up to a half-dozen sets of 10 contractions several times a day. In a few months, you should feel tighter. You should also enjoy more intense orgasms. The pelvic floor muscles contract during orgasm. As they become stronger, so do orgasms.
If several months of daily Kegels don’t produce the tight feeling you want, try ben-wa balls or vaginal cones. Ben-wa balls are sold as sex toys. Insert them, then walk around trying to keep them from falling out. When the pelvic floor muscles are weak, the balls drop out quickly, but as the muscles grow stronger, women can hold the balls inside longer. Vaginal cones are similar, except they’re prescribed by physicians. To obtain ben-wa balls, visit an online retailer like AdamAndEve.
If vaginal cones don’t work, electrical stimulation of the vaginal muscles is the last resort. A nurse inserts a probe similar to a tampon and a mild electrical current causes muscle contractions that make the vagina feel tighter. Treatments happen in a urologist's office during 20- to 30-minute sessions usually twice a week for about eight weeks.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post.
If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
You really seem to know what your talking about in your article about possible reasons for looseness of a women’s vagina. I’m not a very secure person to begin with. I admit that. But here is my situation. I’m begging for some kind of advice on the matter before I throw away the last 11 years of my life. Read more and my response…
I’m having issues with my partner telling me that my vagina is too loose. I’m 26 years old, he’s the only sexual partner I’ve ever had. I have been sexually active for four years, and I was a virgin before this. I have been killing myself doing kegels trying to fix it but no matter how many I do, nothing changes. Read more and my response…
I suspect my girlfriend of 5 years might be cheating on me. I came home one night and we had intercourse and my penis slipped in with ease. Usually it takes a minute or two of intercourse before her vagina loosens up but this time in went right in. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions. She has 3 kids from her previous relationship. So my question is can the vagina loosen without any physical penetration? Read my response…
How can I make my vagina tight again? I’m 54 and my new lover is 46. He says my vagina is too loose. He’s ok with that, but I’m not. Is there anything I can do to make it tighter? Read my response…
I just have a question in regards to your article in Psychology Today
speaking of vaginal looseness and tightening. I have an issue with vaginal
looseness. It feels like a giant open cavity when my partner is inside of me
and it’s hard for me to feel him. He is well endowed. I struggle with
kegels a lot as I can’t find the time to do them once a day let alone as
many times as you said to in your article. Read more and my response…
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