Secrets of Great Sex After 40

My wife and I recently celebrated the 40th anniversary of our first date. We have a solid marriage, but like everyone, we’ve struggled with the changes aging brings, including those affecting our love life.

Intimacy after 40 doesn’t get the attention it deserves from the media or from therapists who write blogs and books. The bad news is that the second half of life brings sexual changes, and change is never easy. But here’s the good news: With simple adjustments, physical intimacy after 40, 50, 60 and beyond can feel as satisfying as ever—and deepen the love you share.

Age-related changes begin between 40 and 50. These are women’s “peri-menopausal” years, when estrogen starts falling and periods become less regular. Many women also start to experience vaginal dryness, which can make intercourse uncomfortable. Fortunately, a personal lubricant is usually a quick, effective fix.

Meanwhile, between 40 and 50, most men start to experience erection changes. Erotic daydreams thoughts are no longer are enough. Men need genital massage (with vigorousness increasing with age). When erections appear, they’re not as firm as they were back in the day and minor distractions may wilt them. This is not erectile dysfunction. ED means an inability to raise erections during sustained masturbation. Still, iffy, balky erections are upsetting.

These changes after 40 make evolutionary sense. The biological purpose of life is to reproduce life. As women leave their reproductive years, there’s no longer an evolutionary imperative to continue reproductive sex, i.e. intercourse, so there’s no biological reason to make it comfortable through continued production of natural vaginal lubrication. Similarly, there’s no evolutionary reason for older men to have erections. If men aren’t fathering children, biologically, they don’t need intercourse—or the erections that make it possible. But as these changes occur, most older couples keep having intercourse—or trying to. Lubricants and erection drugs usually help…for a while.

After 50, the changes continue. Intercourse may become increasingly uncomfortable for women, even with lubricants, and many men suffer increasingly balky erections, even with drugs, and some develop ED. These changes make intercourse more problematic—and for many older couples, impossible.

Unfortunately, many people believe that intercourse is sex, that if they can’t enjoy the old in-out, sex must be over for them. That’s a shame. Retiring from being lovers makes relationships less intimate and ignores the deep human need to experience gentle touch. Other couples decide to adjust their lovemaking to accommodate age-related changes. Doing so means evolving lovemaking away from intercourse and substituting more kissing, cuddling, whole-body massage, toys, and oral sex.

Recent studies show that older couples evolve away from intercourse. Two studies of thousands of men over 50 show that, despite extensive advertising and media hype, fewer than 10 percent have even tried erection drugs, let alone become regular users. Many older men figure: If I’m not having intercourse, I don’t need erections, so why take the drugs?

Finally, men don’t need erections to have orgasms. That’s right. Even with an older, balky, or even flaccid penis, a comfortable setting, vivid erotic fantasies, and a woman’s loving—and vigorous—caresses are enough to trigger climaxes that feel as enjoyable as ever.

I’m not about to let aging interfere with my marital intimacy. Change is challenging, especially sexual changes. But when older couples help each other through the transition away from intercourse, they often discover a deeper, richer intimacy—and love each other even more.