Rimming: The Curious Lovers’ Guide to Oral-Anal Contact
15 percent of American adults—some 40 million people—report having experienced some form of anal sex
When I launched my question-and-answer web site, GreatSexGuidance.com, I expected people to find it by searching for topics like penis size, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, desire differences, and sex after 40. Indeed, during the many years I’ve published the site, those have been the top search terms. But a surprising number of folks have found the site thanks to two search terms I never expected to be prominent: rimming and analingus, both of which mean oral-anal contact.
If you’re repulsed by the idea of kissing or licking a lover’s anus or having these moves performed on you, don’t play that way. But recent surveys of large numbers of Americans by Indiana University researchers show that 15 percent of American adults—some 40 million people—report having experienced some form of anal sex: rimming, sphincter massage, fingering, toy insertions, and penis-anus intercourse. I’ve found no statistics on the prevalence of rimming, per se. But as searches on GreatSexGuidance.com have shown, many lovers are curious about it, and often feel surprised by their interest. If they try it, quite a few enjoy it and continue to play that way.
Heterosexuals typically stumble on analingus during cunnilingus. The man’s tongue slips further south than he intended, and both lovers realize they’ve crossed a line.
Analingus is a minority pleasure, but there’s nothing abnormal about it
If you reflexively condemn it, remember that not too long ago, oral sex was considered a perversion, and many states outlawed in.
Analingus feels erotic for the same reason that anal play in general is arousing. The anus and surrounding tissue are richly endowed with nerves highly sensitive to erotic touch, nerves that cause the anal sphincter to contract during orgasm.
In addition, lovemaking draws much of its emotional power from intimacy, lovers’ deep acceptance of each other. Analingus is an eloquent way for the rimmer to say: “I love every square inch of you. No part of you turns me off.” And it’s a way for the rimmee to say: “I’m totally yours. No part of me is off limits to you.” Such mutual acceptance can be a powerful turn-on.
Of course, rimming also involves a big fear, fecal contact. Not to worry, says the late sex therapist Jack Morin, Ph.D., author of Anal Pleasure and Health. Soap and water remove any traces of stool—a good reason to shower together before trying analingus. For extra safety, the rimmee might also use an enema or two before washing.
For non-monogamous lovers, rimming carries a risk of transmitting sexual infections. The anus terminates the digestive tract. Millions of digestive bacteria pass through it, notably E. coli, which may remain around the opening. If E. coli come in contact with a woman’s genitals, she might develop a vaginal infection (vaginosis), or a urinary tract infection (UTI, cystitis, or bladder infection). Rimming might also transmit Shigella and Salmonella, which cause food poisoning, Giardia lamblia and amoebas, which cause diarrhea, and HIV, the cause of AIDS. Assess your risk, and don’t rim anyone who has these infections. But Morin says that among healthy, monogamous lovers who practice good anal hygiene, the infection risk of analingus is “extremely low.”
Some couples who accidentally discover analingus, “accidentally” keep doing it without discussing it. That’s fine, but I recommend talking about it. If your honey objects, that’s that. No one should ever feel pressured into anything sexual. But if your lover shows any interest—even if it’s couched in skepticism—you might discuss this post, and perhaps try rimming or sphincter massage.
Rimming is also a good option for couples who want to experiment with anal play but who find fingering, toy insertions, and anal intercourse painful. The reason is usually an uncooperative inner anal sphincter. This may come as a surprise, but humans have two anal sphincters, the outer one that’s visible, and another similar ring of muscle tissue about an inch inside. The outer sphincter can usually be relaxed pretty easily, but the inner ring is often more difficult, and insertion attempts may cause pain. In this case, some lovers decide to limit their anal play to gentle outer sphincter massage or rimming.
Even if the two of you decide not to try analingus, or if you try it and then decide it’s not for you, your discussions should deepen the intimacy you share. You reveal more of yourself, learn more about one another, and ultimately, I hope, feel closer.
Reference
Herbenick, D. et al. “Sexual Behavior in the United States: Results from a National Probability Sample of Men and Women Ages 14-94,” Journal of Sexual Medicine (2010) 7(Suppl 5):255.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Normally, this where is post some that relate to the topic of this post. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post. If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
My wife was brought up very conservatively. When we met, we didn’t talk much about sex. She thought that anything other than vanilla, missionary sex was wrong, and early in our relationship, didn’t even want any foreplay or lube. Read more and my response…
My boyfriend loves all kinda anal play but does not want to have intercourse. I am a heterosexual woman. Does this mean he is bisexual? Thanks. Read my response…
Can a man achieve an orgasm by sticking a dildo (or anything else) up his rear end without there being any stimulation whatsoever to the penis. The penis was never touched, or rubbed just the anus exclusively. I was told it is impossible, but I found a website that said strict anal sex for a man is better than any sex he could ever have with his wife. Read my response…
I love my husband and I love sex. But after 17 years of marriage, he does not want to try anything different. I’m frustrated. I would love to have him finger me anally and maybe do more back there, but my husband won’t try anal. Is something wrong with me? With him? Read my response…