No One “Gives” Anyone an Orgasm
You don’t “give” them. You’re the catalyst. You help create the conditions that allow your lover to release them.
Just about everyone can enjoy orgasms by themselves, but many people encounter difficulty having them with others. A great deal of research shows that only a small proportion of women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse, and an estimated 5 to 10 percent of men have trouble ejaculating and/or experiencing orgasm. Meanwhile, many people consider it their responsibility to “give” their lovers fabulous orgasms—and wonder how to do that.
On the one hand, the wish to “give” great orgasms is laudable, especially for men who hope to give them to women. In the Western world, until well into the 20th century, sex was something for men to enjoy, and for women to endure. Men “took” sex from women, who were considered merely fleshy receptacles for men’s lust. Many people believed that women were unable to experience sexual pleasure, so men had no responsibility to provide it.
Today, we know that men and women are equally capable of sexual pleasure, and that satisfying lovemaking involves lovers taking turns giving and receiving sensual caresses. Compared with how men felt a century ago, the wish to “give” women orgasms represents progress. But no one “gives” anyone else an orgasm.
Orgasms Are Like Laughter
Orgasms emerge from deep inside us when conditions are right. Comedians can tickle our funny bones, but they don’t “make” us laugh. They allow us to. They create the conditions that encourage us to produce laughter from deep within ourselves.
Orgasms are similar. They, too, emerge from deep within when conditions are favorable. For most people, those conditions include: trust, comfort, relaxation, love, understanding, and whole-body massage that eventually focuses on tender genital caresses.
Lovers create the physical and emotional context that allow orgasms to happen. Lovers can be trustworthy. They can help you relax deeply. And lovers can caress you the way(s) you enjoy, the way(s) that allow you to dive deep enough into your own pleasure and sexual fantasies to produce your own orgasms.
Lovers may also destroy the conditions that allow orgasm by being untrustworthy and causing grief instead of relaxation and comfort. But lovers don’t “give” each other orgasms. Each of us is responsible for our own orgasms. We produce them ourselves.
That’s why it’s so important for lovers to tell one another what they enjoy, what turns them on. Of course, this may not be easy. Here are some suggestions:
No one can read minds. Forget all the romantic Hollywood nonsense about knowing instinctively which erotic moves your lover wants. Being in love doesn’t confer magical powers that allow the two of you to read each other’s sensual minds. Unless you signal your likes and dislikes, your lover doesn’t know and can’t know what turns you on—and off.
No need to be didactic. You don’t have to provide an instruction manual with detailed explanations of what you enjoy. Instead, when your lover does something you like (or close it), just say “yes” or “ahhh.” When your lover’s moves don’t thrill you, remain silent. Most lovers quickly provide more of what elicits an “ahhh” and less of what greets them with silence. Over time—usually a month or two—you can get a lot more of what you want, and less of what you don’t, simply by saying “yes” and “ahhh.
Review things afterwards. Even when you say, “yes” or “ahh,” it still might be difficult to direct a lover’s moves while you’re in the middle of things. But afterwards, when you feel content and close, it’s often easier to comment. Begin with compliments. Highlight what you enjoyed, and ask for more of it. For example: “Remember when you were giving me oral and you circled my clit with your tongue? That was great. I’d love that every time.”
Be positive about negatives. If a lover does anything you really can’t stand, feel free to say so, but give it a loving spin. List a few moves you enjoy, then criticize the one you don’t. For example: “I really love the way you stroke my penis and suck me, but when you suck on my balls, it kinda hurts. Can we leave that out from now on?”
Cultivate experimentation. As marvelous as sex can be, after a while, the same old moves get boring. You might try new accouterments—candles, music, sex toys. Or a different time of day. Or a new place—a different room of the house or a romantic getaway. Use your imagination.
Be patient. It may take some people of all genders quite a while to work up to orgasm. Sometimes, it’s situational. If you’re under the weather, it may take longer than usual. But some people always take quite a while. That’s just who they are—and that’s fine. If your lover takes what you consider a long time, or if you’ve ever received apologies for “taking so long,” reassure the person that you’re there for their pleasure, no matter how long it takes. Invite them to relax and focus on their own erotic feelings, not on how impatient they imagine you to be. The anxiety people feel about thinking that they take too long actually interferes with orgasm. So be patient, and tell your lover you’re happy to be patient. That should help them relax enough to have orgasms. Or consider a vibrator. Vibrators often help women have orgasms more quickly, and vibrating penis sleeves often help men.
If you implement these suggestions, your lover should feel comfortable, relaxed, trusting, accepted, and loved enough to have orgasms. But remember, you don’t “give” them. You’re the catalyst. You help create the conditions that allow your lover to release them.
The question is not: How can lovers give each other wonderful orgasms? The question is: What can lovers to help each other relax and feel accepted, trusting, and loved enough to reach deep inside themselves to release their own orgasms?
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post.
If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
My husband and I have been together since 1986, married since 1992. Our sex life was really good. But starting around five years ago, he started saying that at the point of orgasm, his desire turns into dislike, not exactly disgust, but he’s turned off, and feels no satisfaction. Rather than orgasm being the most pleasurable moment for him, he ends up losing all desire. Read more and my response…
I’ve been with my girlfriend for three and a half years. I’m still very young so we’re both of each other’s firsts. We’ve been having sex now for about 2 years and I have only helped her orgasm once. I’ve read articles online everywhere and read online forums for advice all the time, I’ve read some books about the female orgasm and I still have little hope. I do feel like I can maybe make her squirt during sex because she always tells me she feels like she has to pee but that’s what makes her want to stop. I’ve read online that women often feel that way when they are about to squirt so that’s why I am confident as far as that goes. Read more and my response…
Michael, your excellent article, “The Last Word on The Length Of Men’s Erections” included this paragraph: “ Why is there such a pronounced orgasm gap? Largely because only a minority of men understand that most women need direct clitoral caresses to work up to orgasm. Many women don’t receive sufficient clitoral massage and cunnilingus to get there. Any size erection can bring great pleasure to the man it’s attached to.” Read more and my response…
I understand there is a lot of nuance surrounding the female orgasm, but in my experience, and from research online, there seems to be only one way to tell if the big O is being achieved for a lady, and that is, the display of involuntary, rhythmic, pelvic floor contractions that happen during the release part of the orgasm. About 5-15 in fact, that are clearly visible in the anus and outer portion of the vagina. Read more and my response…
Yes! Here's to accountability during sex and knowing how much we can turn ourselves on (or off). We co-create a space where orgasm may occur and let it unfold.