Keys To Giving Terrific Cunnilingus
Cunnilingus is not difficult, but some men are unschooled in the fine points. Here’s how to boost her pleasure and your self-confidence as a lover.
The myth is that men don’t enjoy giving women oral sex. Actually, many (most?) love it. For many men, providing this special gift feels deeply intimate and very satisfying. In addition, women are much more likely to have orgasms from oral than intercourse. Cunnilingus is not difficult, but some men are unschooled in the fine points. Here’s how to boost her pleasure and your self-confidence as a lover.
“Cunnilingus” comes from the Latin cunnus for vulva, women’s external genitalia, and lingere, to lick. Cunnilingus is popular but by no means universal. According to a recent survey by researchers at Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute, 75 percent of adult women have received it at least once, with 60 percent of those age 21 to 49 saying they’ve received it during the past year, and 33 percent of women over 50. (I’m surprised these figures are so low.)
Hygiene
Women must deal with tampons and vaginal infections, and may not feel comfortable with men diving in “down there.” Women feel so self-conscious about the aroma and taste of their genitals that they spend $150 million a year on douches, which gynecologists deride as hygienically unnecessary. Natural cervical mucus keeps the vagina clean and fresh. And washing with soap and water keeps the vulva clean and tasting like the mouth during deep kissing, except that oral sex includes the flavor and fragrance of the woman’s arousal, which many men find delicious and highly arousing.
Some people wonder about cunnilingus during menstrual periods. Menstrual flow does not come in contact with the vulva or clitoris, which sit outside and above the vaginal opening, so the man’s tongue need not come in contact with it either. Women may insert a tampon or diaphragm to catch the flow. However, menstruation may change women’s aroma and taste. Most women smell and taste fine throughout the menstrual cycle, and many men are happy—even eager—to provide oral caresses during periods. On the other hand, if you’d rather not provide cunnilingus then, take a few days off.
“If women think their genitals look, smell, or taste unattractive,” says Palo Alto, California, sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D., “it’s unlikely that men can persuade them otherwise. But I encourage men to say: ‘I love how you look.’ ‘I love how you taste.’ ‘I love to eat you.’”
Basics
The vulva includes:
• The outer and inner vaginal lips.
• The clitoris, nestled under the upper junction of the vaginal lips.
• The vaginal opening.
• And the erotically sensitive groove between the clitoris and vagina, the urethral sponge.
Basic cunnilingus involves licking the vulva from the vaginal opening, across the sponge, and up to the clitoris, and possibly inserting the tongue into the vagina. As women become sexually aroused, their outer vaginal lips fill with extra blood, which parts them somewhat, exposing the inner lips and the sensitive tissue between them.
Tell a new lover that you’d like to go down on her. Either say so verbally, or slowly work your way down, kissing her neck, breasts, and belly, so she knows where you’re headed. Remember, not every woman enjoys receiving oral. Check in, saying something like, “I’d like to keep going down. Is that okay?” Move slowly.
Make sure you both feel comfortable. Lying prone between the woman’s legs might strain your neck or back. You might slip a pillow under her hips to raise her vulva. Or coax her to the side of the bed and kneel on the floor.
The tongue is much softer than fingers, so it can provide gentler stimulation. “For many women,” explains Fair Oaks, California, sex therapist Louanne Weston, Ph.D., “the gentleness of oral sex is key to its enjoyment.”
So don’t go at her like a parched canine presented with water, something you often see in porn. Begin slowly—and very gently. Start by nuzzling, kissing, and licking her inner thighs and the area around her vulva. Anticipation of cunnilingus can feel very arousing. Then lick the fleshy outer lips. Next, work your tongue in between the outer lips to caress the smaller, thinner inner lips. Then circle the vaginal opening and perhaps insert your tongue inside. Eventually move up to the clitoris.
In porn, the men’s tongues are machine guns. Not good. Lick very gently. Check in. Ask how she likes to be licked. Many women initially prefer it very gently, with desired intensity slowly increasing as they become more aroused and approach orgasm. Others feel differently. Check in often until you're confident that you know what she likes. Then continue to check in periodically. She might want a change.
Approach the clitoris particularly slowly and gently. Some women enjoy a man’s tongue directly on the little nub. Others find direct clitoral licking too intense, even off-putting. If so, lick around the clit but not on it.
Some women feel reluctant to discuss their reactions to oral sex. Instead they use body language. They might squirm if they find a certain lick uncomfortable. Unfortunately, many men don’t realize that she’s writhing in discomfort, thinking she’s actually in the throes of delight. That’s why it’s important to check in verbally: “Is this okay?” “Is this too intense?”
Fine Points
• Alternate using the tip of your tongue, the flat of it, and your lips as you explore her vulva. All three feel a little different and provide subtly different sensations. Check in about each.
• Combine licking with finger and palm massage. After circling her vulva with your tongue, do the same with a finger or two, using light, moderate, or deep pressure, as the woman prefers. Use your fingers to gently part her lips, and if she’s okay with it, insert one or two. Massage her inner thighs. Finger around her anus as you provide oral caresses, or gently massage the sphincter with a well-lubricated finger. (Nothing that touches the anal area should touch the vagina or vulva, or the woman may develop a urinary tract infection.)
• Combine cunnilingus with whole body massage. Some women enjoy having their legs, arms, and/or breasts caressed while receiving oral. Try slipping a finger or two into her mouth so she can suck them while you’re licking her. Or combine oral sex with any sex toy(s) the woman enjoys.
• Instead of steady tongue pressure on the clitoris or swirling moves around it, use the tip of your tongue to tease just the underside of the clitoral shaft with light little licks about once every 10 to 15 seconds. This move helps some women get over the hump to orgasm.
• Some women like having their anuses licked (rimming). As long as it’s clean, there’s nothing dirty about licking that opening as part of oral sex. To ease hygienic concerns, wash or shower together beforehand. Beyond resolving the anal hygiene issue, bathing together is a marvelous way to relax and prepare for lovemaking.
• Something else affects many women’s enjoyment of cunnilingus—her lover’s enthusiasm for it. “Few things detract from a woman’s enjoyment of oral sex,” Weston explains, “as much as the suspicion that her lover considers it a duty or, worse, a chore.” If you enjoy providing cunnilingus, by all means, say so—and show it.
Female Ejaculation
Some women ejaculate, that is, they produce fluid on orgasm. If this happens during oral sex, many women—and men—feel concerned about “squirting” in the man’s face. Men might also ingest some of this fluid. Discuss your feelings about this. There’s no right or wrong, just personal preferences. Many men enjoy being very close to the vulva as the woman ejaculates, and have no problem ingesting some of the fluid. It’s safe to ingest. Female ejaculate is not urine. It’s produced by glands in the vulva and is similar to prostate fluid, so ingesting it is like women swallowing semen.
After Orgasm
After orgasm, many women experience unusual clitoral sensitivity and don’t like to be touched or licked there. This is normal. If you like “last licks” after she comes, check in about this. If she’d rather not be licked after orgasm, come up from between her legs and hold her tenderly until she returns to earth.
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
Reference
Herbenick, D. et al. “Sexual Behavior in the United States: Results from a National Probability Sample of Men and Women Ages 14-94,” Journal of Sexual Medicine (2010) 7(Suppl 5):255.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post.
If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
My husband loves me, but does not like giving me oral sex. I give it to him. l am thin and very clean. Boy, it hurts to be treated this way. Read my response…
My wife does not like for me to give her oral sex/pleasure. I have never been with any girls in the past that are opposed to receiving oral from me. Read my response…
I absolutely love giving my wife oral sex and can’t get enough of it. I want to do that every time we make love, but she doesn’t like or want it, and we haven’t done that for years now. Read me and my response…
I really enjoy eating my lover’s vagina, but how can I arouse her even more? I mean how can I give her an orgasm by sucking and licking her clitoris? I ask her if she likes me licking her clit, and she says yes, but I want her now to beg for it. How can I do that? Read my response…
“Don’t go at her like a parched canine presented with water” - love this description!! Thank you Michael for a fantastic article which all lovers-of-vulva should read.