His Porn, Her Pain

If men, especially older men, feel a need to view porn to become sufficiently aroused to enjoy partner sex, it may not be fine with their lovers, but it’s fine with me.

Recently, an anguished woman emailed my site, GreatSexGuidance, objecting to an article I’d written in which I said that it was fine with me if men use porn to help them become erotically aroused for partner sex. I thought our exchange might resonate for Substack readers.

Here’s her post:

You say in your article there is no harm in a man looking at porn to get aroused. What about the emotional harm it does to his wife? What about the low self esteem it cause his wife to know her husband can only get aroused by looking at younger women and not her? Why would any woman want to have sex with her husband when she isn’t the one who is turning him on and she isn’t the one he is thinking of while he is having sex. No harm in porn – I THINK NOT!

Here’s my reply:

I’m very sorry that you’re in pain over your husband’s use of pornography. You are by no means alone. Many women feel exactly as you do. I’ve heard many women say what you’ve said—often in almost exactly the same words.

And you’re right. In my recent article on the difficulties older men have becoming erotically aroused, I said it was fine with me if they used porn to become excited. I also said that many women disagree with me and feel deeply offended by porn. Evidently, you’re among them.

Given how upset you sound, I doubt that my words can change how you feel. But I hope you’ll allow me to explain, from a man’s point of view, why so many men view so much porn. It has nothing to do with no longer feeling turned on by their wives or girlfriends. I’ve talked to many men who view porn regularly, and they insist they feel erotically excited by the women they’re involved with and enjoy making love with them. In addition, men’s use of porn has nothing to do with preferring “younger women” to their wives or girlfriends or wanting to leave their partners for them.

Today, porn depicts women of all ages from 18 year olds to women in their seventies. The vast majority of men who view porn love their wives or girlfriends and wouldn’t leave them for a porn starlet even if they could. So from a man’s point of view, your fears are unfounded. He still loves you and wants you. Then why does he view porn? For fantasies that make masturbation more enjoyable.

Let me ask you a question: After a long day, how do you unwind? What do you do to self-soothe? Some women take long hot baths. Others go shopping. Some read. Others watch TV—not necessarily because they’re truly interested in the programs, but because it’s a mindless yet pleasant way to unwind.

Many men also self-soothe by reading or watching TV. But many do it by self-sexing while viewing porn. I realize that you hate this and find it incomprehensible. But surveys of Internet use consistently show that porn sites are among men’s top destinations—and not just your husband. Hundreds of millions of men regularly visit the billions, yes billions, of porn pages on the web.

Men use porn as a masturbation aid, and to masturbate, one needs friction and fantasy. Over time, many men’s own fantasies get stale and lose their power to arouse, so men turn to someone else’s fantasies—porn. Porn use has nothing to do with feeling critical of their lovers or sexually uninterested in them. It’s all about the men themselves, and their need for fresh fantasies while masturbating.

Do you watch streaming TV? On Netflix et al, there are many scenes of hunky guys having R-rated (and sometimes X-rated) sex with beautiful women. If you watch them, should your husband feel offended or threatened that you prefer “those men” to him? Of course not. TV isn’t part of your real life. It’s a fantasy. Men feel the same way about porn.

Which raises a crucial question: Do you think your husband has a right to engage in solo sex? Many women do not. They believe that once a man is coupled, his girlfriend of wife should meet all of his erotic needs. From a man’s point of view, this is naïve. Your husband was masturbating long before he ever met you. Why give up apple pie once you’ve tasted cherry? Women CANNOT meet men’s real, deep need to self-soothe with one hand because, by definition, masturbation is a solo activity. Many women’s objections to porn are really veiled objections to the men in their lives masturbating. So do you think your husband has a right to masturbate? I guarantee that he believes he does.

While I support men’s right to self-sex—and use porn to make it more enjoyable—I am also quite critical of porn for depicting a Neverland of sexual abundance without relationships or responsibility, a world where women exist solely to sexually service men. In fantasy, that’s fine. I’m all for freedom of fantasy. But porn has become so ubiquitous that many men have difficulty distinguishing between porn sex and real lovemaking. They try to imitate what they see in porn, and that’s a big mistake because it makes them lousy lovers and greatly increases their risk of sex problems, notably premature ejaculation and erection impairment. You can read more about this in my book Sizzling Sex for Life.

Some women in your situation confront their husbands and demand that they stop viewing porn. The men typically become contrite and swear they will refrain—but they don’t. They just go underground the way Americans drank alcohol during prohibition. Is that what you want? Your husband hiding from you? Viewing porn behind your back?

Like I said, I doubt that my words will change how you feel. But in my opinion, unless his porn use makes him miss work, totally ignore you, or refuse to make love with you, it's not a red flag about him or you or your relationship. It’s just the way he self-soothes. So I stand by what I wrote in that piece. If men, especially older men, feel a need to view porn to become sufficiently aroused to enjoy partner sex, it may not be fine with their lovers, but it’s fine with me.

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Questions & Answers

I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post.

If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.

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Porn is ruining my relationship. My future husband who is 46 suffers from delayed ejaculation. He can only ejaculate using his hand. This has been going on for over a year. We sought help and he was advised to cease masturbation for 90 days and stop all porn use to see if it helped. Read more and my response…

My husband and I have been married 30 years with a healthy sex life. But 3 months ago he began with the mobile porn sites from his phone, to the house PC and has since joined a lot of dating sites and casual sex sites. He has always been a great lover and we have had what I thought was awesome sex. Read more and my response…

Recently, my husband and I have rekindled our sex life after not having sex for several years because of his alcohol addiction. He’s been sober now for about 9 months, so wonderful! (I was going to separate). However, I have caught him looking at porn several times even though he knows I am feeling very sexual, in fact, more than I ever have in my life and I even told him it was crazy but I was always horny and into having sex/making love most of the time, more than he is. Read more and my response…

I have been having issues with my husband and porn. Your article has helped me understand some of his point of view. He actually became addicted to porn over the years and hid it from me even though I didn’t have a HUGE problem with it. (I wasn’t happy about it, but it wasn’t an end-all situation.) Read more and my response…

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