Only a small minority of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse.
Yes, this bears repeating: Only a small fraction of women reliably experience orgasm during intercourse— no matter how large the man’s erection, no matter how long intercourse lasts, and no matter how the woman feels about the man or the relationship.
This statistic comes not from just one study, but from a robust—though not widely publicized—research literature that has accumulated for more than a century.
Studies differ on exactly what proportion of women regularly come during intercourse, varying from around 5 percent to around 20 percent or so. Another 20 percent of women occasionally have orgasms during intercourse. This means that most women never come during intercourse.
This bears repeating: The majority of women never have orgasms during intercourse. And surprisingly few men know it.
Now I’m not knocking intercourse, not at all. Men love it, and around 95 percent of men can work up to orgasm/ejaculation during the old in-out. Intercourse is central to reproductive sex. If it’s well lubricated and men don’t plunge in before women feel ready, it can be great fun for both lovers. It helps many couples feel deeply connected. But contrary to what many (most?) men (and some women) believe—and see endlessly in porn—intercourse is not the essence of lovemaking, and it allows only a small percentage of women to enjoy erotic satisfaction.
During the 1920s, in Brooklyn, NY, gynecologist Robert Latou Dickinson, M.D. (1861–1950) asked several thousand of his women patients about their sex lives. Virtually all of them said they could have orgasms by themselves, but very few ever had them with their husbands. Why? Because all the men did was insert erections into vaginas. They knew nothing of the clitoris and its primacy in women’s orgasms and sexual satisfaction.
The Clitoris
In the womb, the cells that become the head (glans) of the penis become the clitoris in women. Both structures are filled with nerves very sensitive to erotic touch. When men have intercourse, the head of the penis gets lots of stimulation pumping in and out of the vagina, and the overwhelming majority of men can come. But the clitoris is NOT located inside the vagina, but rather outside the vaginal opening an inch or two above the opening. It’s the little nub nestled under the top junction of the vaginal lips. For the small proportion of women who have significantly protruding clits, the in-out motion of intercourse provides enough stimulation to allow them to come. But for most women, intercourse provides little if any clitoral stimulation, which is why the large majority of women can’t come during intercourse.
The size of the man’s erection doesn’t matter. A huge erection doesn’t provide any more clitoral stimulation than an average or small one. Imagine your nose itches. Sticking a banana into your mouth—any size banana—doesn’t scratch that itch.
It doesn’t matter how long intercourse lasts. Erections can pump in and out forever, and not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation to allow women to work up to orgasm. Again, imagine your nose itches. You can pump that banana endlessly in and out of your mouth and not scratch the itch.
To work up to orgasm, the vast majority of women need direct, gentle, extended clitoral caresses. Many studies show that compared with heterosexual women, lesbian women are much more likely to come during lovemaking. Why? Because women know much better than most men what turns women on—tender loving clitoral massage and lots of oral sex (cunnilingus). Independent of sexual orientation, when women are asked which elements of lovemaking arouse them the most, clitoral massage by hand and cunnilingus rank at the top of the list, with intercourse well behind. “Intercourse is okay,” the late, great New York City sex educator Betty Dodson, Ph.D. used to say, “But give me a talented tongue on my clitoris any day of the week.”
How Best to Caress the Clitoris
Everyone is sexually unique. We make sexual generalizations all the time that supposedly crystalize how men and women experience sex. Some of these generalizations apply to most people. But it’s important to understand that everyone is sexually unique. Have any of your partners responded identically to sex? Almost certainly not. This means that the only way men can know how individual women like their clits caressed is to ASK.
Asking is not that difficult. As soon as you reach between her legs, inquire, “Is this okay? Or would you like something different?” Encourage her to coach you. Pay attention to what she says. And do your best to give her what she requests. As you adjust your moves based on her coaching, ask repeatedly, “Is this okay?” You’ll not only greatly increase her chances of orgasm, you’ll also earn major points as a talented lover.
Yes, everyone is sexually unique, but here are some general precepts that apply to most clits and the women they’re attached to:
• Most women warm up to genital sex more slowly than most men. Many men are all finished and rolling over to fall asleep before many women have become sufficiently aroused to even welcome genital play, let alone come. So, gentlemen, slow down, then slow down some more. Before most women feel ready to spread their legs, the majority need at least 20 minutes of non-genital play: lots of kissing, hugging, whispered endearments, and gentle massage strokes from head to toe—scalp massage, neck and shoulder rubs, and foot massage.
• In common parlance, we call such non-genital touch “foreplay.” The word encompasses all the moves before the main event, intercourse. Almost all men can come during intercourse, but as I’ve explained, very few women do. So the whole idea of “foreplay” ignores how most women respond sexually. I urge you to jettison the term foreplay, and embrace the idea of “loveplay.” Loveplay includes every sexual move from the first kiss to the sighs and closeness of afterglow. Feel free to have intercourse. Most lovers enjoy it. But if you want her to come, gently caress her clitoris and spend a good deal of time kissing and licking it.
• Many women have clits that are so sensitive to touch that they feel discomfort, even pain, when men touch them directly. Ask about your partner’s clitoral sensitivity. If women don’t like direct pressing on their clits, touch and lick around it—and ask for coaching about how best to do this.
• Many women prefer a light touch and/or licking during early clitoral play, but more intensity as they approach orgasm. Again ask about this. If your gal prefers light touch initially and more intensity as she approaches orgasm, when you go down on her, invite her to coach you silently. She places her hands on the side of your head. If she wants less intensity, she gently pushes your head away. If she wants more intensity, she pulls your head into her.
• While the clitoris is women’s primary orgasm trigger, don’t ignore their two sets of vaginal lips (outer and inner, collectively known as the external genitals, the vulva). Many women’s lips are very sensitive and provide great pleasure when caressed or licked. You might also ask partners if they’d like to try “nose jobs.” As you lick her lips, position the tip of your nose near her clitoris and invite her to move her hips so that your nose contacts her clit. Don’t jam your nose into her nub. Hold your nose still and invite her to dance her clit on it.
• If you feel impelled to ask, “Did you come?” she probably didn’t. Some women’s orgasms are subtle, but most are hard to miss. They’re very similar to men’s: a quickening of breath, followed by some grunts or groans and a quick series of contractions of the muscles around the vagina and anus, possibly accompanied by involuntary hip thrashes, followed by sighs and deep relaxation. If you want to know how your partner comes, ask her to demonstrate for you solo with her hand or a vibrator. Or during lovemaking, place your hand gently on her vulva. Then ask her to place her hand atop yours, and press your hand into her vulva and clit the way she likes. Her hand can direct yours until she comes. Or visit PornHub and search “Women masturbating by hand to orgasm.” Notice how the women spend most of their time caressing their clits. Some insert fingers or toys vaginally or anally, but mostly they stroke their clits—because that’s what brings the overwhelming majority of women to orgasm.
The Implications
It may be news to you that few women come during intercourse. This is NOT fake news. It’s the truth. If you doubt it, show this post to your partner and ask what she thinks. Ask how often she comes during intercourse.
The primacy of the clitoris in women’s orgasms has several important implications:
• It’s perfectly normal for women NOT to have orgasms during intercourse. Some men think women are unresponsive if they don’t … and may call them nasty names. Such reactions say less about women’s eroticism than about men’s ignorance of the clitoris. Gentlemen, get a clue: Most women need direct clitoral stimulation by hand, mouth, or toy to experience orgasm.
• Internet ads for penis enlargement pills, devices, and exercise programs promise not only a bigger dick but also women driven wild. That’s nonsense on two counts. All penis-enlargement products are frauds. The people who market them belong in prison. And the penis has surprisingly little to do with women’s orgasms. It’s key to men’s orgasms, but for the large majority of women, the penis is much less important than men’s fingers and especially tongues.
• Most men want their erections to last a long time. They don’t want to come “too soon.” Why? They believe that lasting a long time gets women to orgasm. But as I’ve explained, lasting forever doesn’t help most women climax. Meanwhile, in every sexually active age group, one-quarter to one-third of men come before they want to (premature ejaculation, PE). In most men, PE can be cured pretty easily—check out my self-help ebooklet, The Cure for Premature Ejaculation.
• Finally, because so few women are consistently orgasmic during intercourse, it’s fine to have sex without intercourse. This is especially true for couples over 50. With age, men’s erection capacity declines, and menopausal changes often make intercourse uncomfortable for women, even with a lubricant. Most older couples who remain sexual decide to jettison intercourse and have sex without it. Instead of intercourse, they embrace all the other ways to enjoy sexual pleasure: Kissing, hugging, whispered endearments, gentle massage from head to foot, and genital play involving hand massage, toys, and especially oral sex. Younger lovers might also consider this approach.
When men understand that few women climax during intercourse, when they provide the gentle clitoral caresses the vast majority of women need to come, sex improves for all concerned. This is why I called this post the most important sexual fact.
I wish you sizzling sex for life.
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
References:
Chalker, Rebecca. The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips. Seven Stories, Press, NY, 2000.
Frederick, DA et al. “Debunking Lesbian Bed Death: Using Coarsened Exact Matching to Compare Sexual Practices and Satisfaction of Lesbian and Heterosexual Women,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (2021) 50:3601. Doi: 10.1007/s10508-021-02096-4
Lloyd, Elizabeth A. The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution. Harvard University Press, Cambridge, MA, 2005.
Mintz, Laurie B. Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It. HarperOne, NY, 2018.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, folks like you. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post. If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
My wife does not like for me to give her oral sex/pleasure. I have never been with any girls in the past that are opposed to receiving oral from me. I thoroughly enjoy it and feel, based on past experiences that I am good at it in terms of pleasing women and bringing them to orgasm. My wife’s response has always been that it’s dirty. I have tried and tried to convince her that it is not dirty and I really enjoy and want to give her oral. Any advice? Read my response…
“My husband does not perform oral sex on me. I love it. I crave it and I miss it. He says he does not like it. He says that if he does it, it will not feel natural, it´s like he will be doing it only because he’s forced to. I have already hinted how much I like it and still he does not do it. What should I do?’ Read my response…
“I really enjoy eating my lover’s vagina, but how can I arouse her even more? I mean how can I give her an orgasm by sucking and licking her clitoris? I ask her if she likes me licking her clit, and she says yes, but I want her now to beg for it. How can I do that?” Read my response…