Friends with Benefits: How Friendly? How Sexual?
Most FWB relationships involve young adults, but the arrangement can develop at any age
Friends with benefits (FWB) describes couples who are more than friends but less than committed lovers. They’re friends who, now and then, also have sex. They’re not deeply involved and remain free to date others. But they value the friendship, and feel mutual affection, and sometimes make love.
FWB
The term FWB dates to the late 1990s. Apparently it was coined by Alanis Morissette in her 1995-1996 song, "Head over Feet," in which she sings, “You're my best friend, best friend with benefits.” But some friends have had such relationships for eons. The difference is that today, FWB is more widely recognized, and presumably more widely practiced. So the concept is not new. But the term is fairly recent.
Most FWB relationships involve young adults, but the arrangement can develop at any age. It appears to be reasonably prevalent among the elderly. Many older women, especially widows who nursed husbands for years before they died, don’t want to get remarried and sign up to take care of another old man. They value their freedom from caregiving. But they still would like some male companionship, including bedmates. FWB relationships work well for them.
FWB Questions & Answers
But FWB relationships raise questions: How friendly are those involved in them? How much sex do FWB have? And over time, what becomes of these liaisons? Researchers at Wayne State University in Detroit and Michigan State in East Lansing surveyed 125 undergraduates (65 women, 60 men).
Sixty percent (40 men, 35 women) said they’d been involved in FWB relationships, and about one-third said they were involved in one when surveyed.
Of the total sample, almost two-thirds (62 percent) said men and women can remain “just friends” while being FWB. The rest said it was impossible, that FWB must soon decide to be friends without sex, or become official lovers. FWB veterans felt more optimistic: 81 percent (34 men, 26 women) said it was quite possible to be happily FWB.
Before they became sexual, FWB couples were friends for an average of 14 months. Some remained long-term FWB (28 percent). But most FWB relationships changed after about six months. About one-third (36 percent) remained friends but stopped having sex. Relatively few became romantically coupled (10 percent). And for around one-quarter (26 percent, both the friendship and the sex ended).
FWB couples reported various sexual frequencies: only once (19 percent), occasionally (52 percent), and frequently (29 percent).
FWB veterans cited these advantages: sex without commitment (74 percent), having an available sex partner when you want one (69 percent), having sex with someone you know, like, and trust as opposed to a one-night hook-up (26 percent), and having some semblance of a relationship while remaining officially single (13 percent).
Disadvantages included: developing romantic feelings (81 percent), risking the friendship (35 percent), lack of commitment (16 percent), and feeling badly about the sex (12 percent).
Respondents said the key to making FWB work is to start as real friends who have enjoyed each other’s company before either party cozied up to the other for something more.
FWB relationships occupy the ambiguous relationship ground between “just friends” and “involved.” But they allow participants to experiment. That’s why they’re most common among young adults, folks who are still new to the world of relationships, looking to find their way, and open to experimentation.
FWB couples are more likely to remain friends without sex than to become committed lovers. In the long run, that may be FWB’s greatest advantage—couples can have sex then stop, ideally without recriminations and heartbreak. I think that’s why these relationships are called friends with benefits, and not casual sex.
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Reference
Bisson, MA and TR Levine, “Negotiating a Friends with Benefits Relationship,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (2009) 38:66.]
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post. If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
My best friend and I became lovers. We are not dating; we are simply having fun with one another. He and I have both slept with a myriad of other people. He’s an incredible partner. He’s in tune with my needs and I orgasm consistently; however, when it comes to intercourse, he cannot last long. He never has sex sober, so we thought that might be the reason why he can’t last. Read more and my response…
I’m a teen. I have a fwb for about a week but I have dated him in the past. He wants to remain friends but i want to be more than fwb. It’s sooo hard. When I talk about it, he denies his feelings. We become fwb because we both just got outta relationships and were bored and all I do anymore is think nonstop about him. What should I do? Read my response…