Fantasies Of Other Lovers During Sex: Welcome Them
Great sex is a combination of friction and fantasy. Great sex is a combination of friction and fantasy. Most lovers enjoy the friction. But many feel uncomfortable with their fantasies.
Some years ago, a survey reported in the New York Times magazine asked married couples: “As long as you're sexually faithful to your spouse, do you think it's okay to fantasize having sex with someone else?" More respondents said no than yes--48% no, 46% yes, with 6% declining to answer.
Meanwhile, other surveys have shown that during partner sex, the #1 fantasy is doing it with someone else. Many people express guilt about such fantasies, believing them the moral equivalent of unfaithfulness, and harmful to their relationships.
Fantasies Are Normal and Healthy
Great sex is a combination of friction and fantasy. Most lovers enjoy the friction. But many feel uncomfortable with their fantasies. What a shame to feel guilty about something as normal--and healthy--as sexual fantasies during lovemaking.
If you feel “mentally unfaithful” when fantasizing of others lovers during sex, you might be able to forgive yourself if you view lovemaking as a special, interpersonal form of spirituality, a mutual meditation, if you will.
In meditation, people reserve time to take an uninterrupted break from their usual activities. They sit quietly, breathe deeply, empty their minds of conscious thoughts, and repeat a simple word or phrase (mantra) over and over. Meditation results in deep relaxation, which is very nurturing. No wonder the vast majority of people who meditate emerge from it feeling relaxed, refreshed and rejuvenated.
But emptying the mind is not easy. Inevitably, random thoughts dart in and out of consciousness. Meditation teachers urge people to accept their random thoughts without judging them, no matter what their content. Teachers say: Your thoughts during meditation are no reflection on you. They are simply there, like dreams. You’re not responsible for them. Observe them, then gently push them from your mind. Let them go as you gently refocus on your mantra.
Lovemaking is surprisingly similar. Lovers mutually reserve time to take an uninterrupted break from the rest of their busy lives. They breath deeply, relax, and transcend their individual bodies to feel deeply connected with each other. Afterward, they emerge refreshed and relaxed. Lovers don’t sit quietly (at least I hope not). Instead, they substitute sensual explorations for the mantra. But in most respects, sex is quite similar to meditation.
During sex it might be nice to empty your mind of all thoughts other than those of your lover. But that’s usually impossible. Other thoughts almost inevitably intrude--including fantasies of other lovers: movie stars, old flames, new acquaintances, the kid who sat next to you in third grade, anyone. You might also have fantasies of fringe activities: group sex, sex in public, or sexually dominating a lover or submitting to another’s erotic domination. Such thoughts might be disturbing, but they’re totally fine. Just like meditation, accept your sexual fantasies—whatever they might be—without judging them. They are no reflection on your morality, faithfulness, or mental health. In sexual fantasy, as in meditation, everything is permitted and nothing is wrong.
The only time sexual fantasies might signal a problem is if you’re in a relationship, and consistently fantasize about making love with someone else—and take steps to make that happen. That’s a clear sign of relationship distress. But here I’m not talking about falling in love with someone else. I’m concerned with true fantasies, the exciting, strange, marvelous, weird, fleeting notions that occupy the mind for a moment then go their merry way.
Accepting one's sexual fantasies allows greater relaxation during lovemaking. Relaxation is key to sexual fulfillment. Feeling guilty about sexual fantasies causes anxiety and emotional stress, which interfere with erotic pleasure. No wonder that in a survey by a University of Vermont researcher, respondents who said they felt guilty about their fantasies of others lovers reported the least sexual satisfaction.
The late comedian, Rodney Dangerfield, used to tell a story about making love with his girlfriend. They're doing it, but something doesn’t feel right. Neither is becoming aroused. Finally, Dangerfield asks her: “What's the matter? Can’t you think of anyone either?”
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
Reference
Cado, S. and H. Leitenberg. “Guilt Reactions to Sexual Fantasies During Intercourse,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (1990) 19:49.
Lehmiller, J. Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Hachette. 2018.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post. If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
As someone who is turned on, inspired and who feels awakened to life when meeting beautiful women, I have shame around the fact that I have always enjoyed anal play with toys (or whatever is handy). I feel like it makes me fear going forward with dating women in case it becomes an issue. I also worry about being able to perform with the women I feel attracted to. I didn’t have problems like that in the past except when taking antidepressants, which I recently resumed taking after 24 years (though they it mainly delay ejaculation). I also have some same-sex attractions. Read more and my response…
My wife and I have been together for 15 years. Our sex is great but she’s very reserved. I’ve always had a fantasy about sharing her with another guy. The other morning she woke me up and said she dreamt about me making her fuck another guy. I reached down and she was soaked. Told her it was normal to want that and she should feel what it’s like. Also told her a dream I had that was similar. She got very excited. Is she into this? What now ? I can’t stop thinking about it! Read my response…
Help! I’ve recently discovered a repressed sexual fantasy about my Dad!
It feels good but also confusing… It started when I began started working in his office as an intern. He’s very high up and manages alot of people. Alot of people answer to him and call him boss. I didn’t realize til recently how much power he had over so many people. Seeing him in this environment has chnaged my perception of him, the way he commands authority over others and they respect, obey and even fear him. Read more and my response…
My partner recently confessed that he has bisexual fantasies about giving men blow jobs. He and I are in a committed relationship and are completely open with each other. His confession has created a dilemma about his sexual identity. Is he bisexual? Read my response…