Desire In Women: Does It Lead to Sex? Or Result from Enjoyable Sex?
What if desire is the after-the-fact outcome of enjoyable sex?
The conventional wisdom is that desire precedes sexual arousal. This is the case for most men. Many, if not most, men, especially young men, are coiled springs of desire and very easily aroused. An old joke asks, “What single word can women say to arouse men sexually?” Hello. Men often describe their libidos as a drive similar to hunger or thirst. Twentieth-century sexologists assumed that women’s libido was, if not identical, then similar--and that if women didn’t feel desire, then something was wrong with them.
Do Women Have Low Libido?
Using this reasoning, something would be wrong with around one-third of all women. That’s what University of Chicago researchers found in a landmark 1999 survey. Only 15 percent of male respondents said they felt little or no desire—and alcohol intake, stress, diabetes, heart disease, and disabilities were clear predictors. But 30 percent of women respondents said they lacked libido, usually for no apparent reason. The Chicago researchers concluded that low libido—“hypoactive desire disorder”—was disturbingly prevalent among women.
The drug companies agree. They’ve worked overtime to develop a pill to boost women’s desire. In 2015 the Food and Drug Administration approved the first such drug, flibanserin (Addyi).
But what if desire does not precede arousal? What if desire is the after-the-fact outcome of enjoyable sex?
Desire Is The Result Of Lovemaking
That’s what University of British Columbia psychiatrist Rosemary Basson, M.D., discovered in interviews with hundreds of women. Contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result. “Women,” Basson explains, “often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral.” But as things heat up, if they enjoy the sex, so do they, and they eventually experience desire.
If a substantial proportion of women don’t experience desire before becoming sexual, then drugs and supplements that try to pique it before the fact put the cart before the horse and may be a waste of money.
This concept of women’s desire explains why Viagra doesn’t work for most women, and why sex-boosting herb blends help only some. These products do not affect desire. They increase blood flow into the genitals. Men are always aware of increased genital blood flow. It’s hard to miss an erection, and it’s only a short step from erection to arousal and desire. But a good deal of research shows that women are often unaware of increased blood flow to the genitals. It causes secretion vaginal lubrication and enlargement of the clitoris, but Basson says, “Many women have little awareness of it.” Even when women are aware, many deny feeling aroused.
If so many women don’t experience male-style desire before sex, then why do they make love? According to Basson, for reasons that affirm their relationships but are not inherently sexual, among them: wanting to please their lovers, feel intimate, prevent strife, or make up after it. Basson’s model supports an old saying about the difference between men and women: Men become emotionally intimate to have sex. Women have sex to become emotionally intimate.
If many women experience desire as the result of lovemaking, then the critical question becomes not how to ignite their desire before sex, but rather: What kind of lovemaking arouses women sufficiently to enable them to experience desire?
What Type Of Sex is Best?
According to leading sexologists—many of whom are women—the type of sex most likely to fuels women’s desire is leisurely, playful, sensual lovemaking based on whole-body massage that includes the genitals but is not limited to them. This is the lovestyle that many surveys show women prefer, but often don’t get. One of women’s main sexual complaints is that men aren’t sufficiently sensual. The way many men make love is too rushed, and too focused on the breasts, genitals, and a quick, plunge into intercourse. Most women prefer at least 20 minutes of playful whole-body massage from head to toe before anyone reaches between their legs. Given Basson’s view of women’s desire, this complaint makes perfect sense. Rushed lovemaking doesn’t give women the time many need to become aroused enough to experience desire.
Ironically, the sexual style that allows women to experience desire is the exact same one sex therapists recommend for men who want to cure premature ejaculation and enjoy firmer, more reliable erectiles. In other words, a sensual, massage-based approach to lovemaking is a win-win. Men’s penises act the way men want. And women are much more likely to experience desire, and become the enthusiastic lovers that both they and their lovers would like them to be.
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
References
Basson, R. “A Model of Women’s Sexual Arousal,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2002) 28:1.
Basson, R. “Women’s Sexual Desire—Disordered or Misunderstood?” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2002) 28(Suppl 1):17.
Basson, R. “Using a Different Model for Female Sexual Response to Address Women’s Problematic Low Sexual Desire,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2001) 27:395.
Basson, R. “Human Sexual Response Cycles,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2001) 27:33.
Basson, R. “The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model,” Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy (2000) 26:51.
Brotto, L.A. et al. “Narratives of Desire in Mid-Age Women with and Without Arousal Difficulties,” Journal of Sex Research (2009) 46:387.
Graham, C.A. et al. “Turning On and Turning Off: A Focus Group Study of the Factors That Affect Women’s Sexual Arousal,” Archives of Sexual Behavior (2004) 33:527.
Laan, E. et al. “Determinants of Subjective Experience of Sexual Arousal in Women: Feedback from Genital Arousal and Erotic Stimulus Content,” Psychophysiology (1995) 32:444.
Leavitt, C.E. et al. “Different Ways to Get There: Evidence of a Variable Female Sexual Response Cycle,” Journal of Sex Research (2019) 56:899.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post. If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
I’m 38. My husband is 42. Sex, when we have it, is great. But he is overly sexed. If I were willing, he would mount me 24/7. Meanwhile, I’m under-sexed. I don’t have much sex drive, nothing like his. I’m rarely in the mood, which makes me guilty and drives him crazy. Is there anything I can take to heighten my libido? HELP PLEASE Read my response…
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We met on lesbian tinder and when we first got together, the sex was frequent and great. 5 months in, her mum died and understandably, this affected it and it hasn’t been the same since. She has struggled with her libido to the point where we haven’t had sex for well over a year and a half (maybe even longer!). Read more and my response…
Is there anything that can be done to restore interest in sex in a woman who has apparently lost all desire for sex? Read my response…
I am a 66-year-old woman and my libido has skyrocketed. Why? Not that I’m complaining. And my orgasms nearly take the top of my head off. Read my response…