Anal Play—Without Pain
If you believe… Misconceptions abound – anal is dirty, that it must hurt women, that men who enjoy receiving must be gay, and that it spreads HIV. In fact, anal sex need not cause pain.
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For most American lovers, anal play represents the sexual frontier, the line they’ve never crossed, or maybe once or twice, with results that may well have dissuaded them further explorations. If you’re revolted by the idea of anal sex, don’t do it. But if you’re curious, or hope for more fun next time, this anal primer may help.
What Is Anal Sex?
If you anal sex is just penis-anus intercourse, think again. That’s the least popular form of anal play. Most lovers limit things to sphincter massage and gentle fingering that doesn’t go very deep.
Anal is much more popular in porn than in real sex. A great deal of porn includes it, but according to a study by Indiana University researchers, only around 10 percent of lovers age 14 to 94 said they’d had penis-anus intercourse in the past year.
Nonetheless, many people are curious about anal, and some are quite enthusiastic. Aficionados say it deepens intimacy, with the recipient, in effect, saying: “No part of me is off limits to you,” and the inserter saying: “All of you turns me on.”
Unfortunately, many women have suffered pain from attempts at anal play. The anus is much less receptive than the vagina or mouth, so many men have had difficulty entering it, and when they do, many women experience sharp pain, which typically ends things, often forever.
Misconceptions also abound, for example, that anal is dirty, that it must hurt women, that men who enjoy receiving must be gay, and that it spreads HIV. In fact, anal sex need not cause pain. With good hygiene, it’s clean, and free from fecal contact. Many 100 percent heterosexual men enjoy receptive anal. And with condoms, anal intercourse is as safe as any other type of safe sex.
Anatomy Surprise
The anus contains not one, but two sphincters, one visible, the other not because it’s slightly inside. The external sphincter is easier to relax. But if you want to relax your internal sphincter and enjoy receptive anal play, over time, you probably can.
As you move internally from the internal sphincter, the narrow anal canal extends an inch or two. The sphincters and anal canal are highly sensitive to touch, which is the reason anal play feels erotic. The anus is also surrounded by muscles that contract during orgasm. Anal stimulation can excite these muscles and intensify orgasm.
Beyond the anal canal lies the rectum, a wide, five-inch cylinder with curves that vary from person to person. Anything inserted into the rectum must negotiate these curves, which is why anal insertion of anything should proceed very slowly, with lots of lubrication, and the recipient always in control of the speed and depth of insertion.
The rectum and anal canal usually contain only traces of stool. Most fecal material is stored above the rectum, but traces of stool may remain on anything that enters the anus.
Unlike the vagina and mouth, the anus and rectum are not self-lubricating. For pain-free anal, you must use plenty of lubricant. Even with good lubrication, anal play may cause minor bleeding, especially if the recipient has hemorrhoids.
Minor bleeding is no cause for concern—unless an inserted erection is HIV-positive. If HIV-contaminated semen contact blood, the recipient risks infection. Unless you’re confident that your lover has no sexually transmitted infections, use condoms.
Hygiene
Anal play is a minority pleasure because our culture views the anus as dirty and disgusting. Overcoming this taboo takes time. If anal play attracts you, take all the time you need.
Cleanliness is crucial. Wash, bathe, or shower beforehand. Clean the area with a soapy finger. Some people also rinse internally with enemas. Disposable enemas are available at pharmacies. Anal rinsing helps lovers relax, and if the recipient washes well beforehand, all anal play—including oral-anal “rimming”—is clean and safe. But nothing that touches the anal area should contact the vagina. Anal bacteria may cause a urinary tract infection.
Recipients, Start Solo
If you’re interested in receiving, begin by fingering yourself. Lubricate the opening, then, while breathing deeply, slowly press one lubed finger through the external sphincter. Once you’re comfortable, press through the internal sphincter. Recipients should feel comfortable with solo play before complicating things with anyone else.
Use plenty of lubricant. Popular water-based lubes may not work for anal play. Try thicker jellies, vegetable oil, or Crisco.
Most lovers stop at fingering, but you might try a string of anal beads or a small butt plug. Plugs have flared bases keeps them from getting lost inside.
It Should NEVER Hurt
Fumbling attempts at anal can really hurt. Any pain means the recipient is not sufficiently lubricated and/or relaxed, and/or the inserter is entering too quickly.
Couples interested in anal should cultivate whole-body relaxation. Take a hot bath or shower together beforehand. Enjoy mutual whole-body massage, and other sex play. Anal feels most enjoyable when lovers feel highly aroused. Then proceed to well-lubricated external sphincter massage. If the recipient allows, try very gentle, shallow fingering. Most people stop there.
If you’re interested in going further, the recipient should ALWAYS be in charge. The inserter should remain still—no pushing inside, and no thrusting until the recipient invites it, and if so, slow, gentle, well-lubed movements. Good positions include: recipient on hands or elbows and knees, or standing bent over with the inserter behind. With the inserter still, and the recipient should press hips back and onto the finger, penis, or toy. The recipient should always control the speed and depth of insertion.
Some recipients enjoy being fingered or wearing plugs as their lover brings them to orgasm by hand, mouth, or vibrator. But many recipients prefer not to have orgasms with anything inside the back door. Discuss this. It’s the recipient’s call.
If Only One Wants It
While there’s nothing wrong, unnatural, or perverted about anal play, it’s insensitive and wrong to pressure anyone into it. If you’re eager and your lover is reluctant, never force it, and don’t nag. Explore your partner’s reluctance. What exactly is off-putting? Listen carefully. Address the person’s concerns. Ask if there is any way your partner might feel comfortable with anal play, for example, gentle sphincter massage. Remember, most people stop there or engage in gentle fingering. Do only what’s mutually agreed. If your partner says stop, stop immediately. Always respect limits.
No Damage
Some worry that once stretched sexually, the anus won’t return to normal, resulting in soiled underwear. No. The anal sphincters open and close throughout life. Assuming yours close normally after defecation, they’ll do the same after anal sex.
Are Recipient Men Gay?
Straight, bi, or gay, sexual preference has everything to do with your fantasies and your sex partners’ gender(s). It has nothing to do with sexual activities. Gay men kiss, hug, and enjoy oral sex. Are kissing, hugging, and oral gay? No, and neither is recipient anal.
Intimacy
Compared with other types of lovemaking, anal requires more communication and trust, which deepen intimacy and can bring couples closer. In the end, as it were, anal is just another sexual variation that some people enjoy.
For more information, read Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men and Women by Jack Morin, Ph.D.. or The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women by Tristan Taormino.
[scroll down for related Questions & Answers]
References
Herbenick, D. et al. “Sexual Behavior in the United States: Results from a National Probability Sample of Men and Women Ages 14 to 94,” Journal of Sexual Medicine (2010) 7(suppl. 5):2355.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post. If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
My wife of 19 years has started asking for anal sex. I like that she’s asking for what she wants and desires. The thing is… I don’t desire anal sex. I’m a 48 yo guy and my wife thinks there’s something wrong with me. She says every red blooded male wants anal. I just don’t. Read more and my response…
Can a man achieve an orgasm by sticking a dildo (or anything else) up his rear end without there being any stimulation whatsoever to the penis. The penis was never touched, or rubbed just the anus exclusively. I was told it is impossible, but I found a website that said strict anal sex for a man is better than any sex he could ever have with his wife. Desperate for a straight honest answer. Read my response…
My wife is not interested in anything anal. I respect that but I absolutely love the odd time when she is willing to touch mine so much that I find myself constantly touching my asshole while masturbating, and have purchased a rather large butt plug that she doesn’t know about (yet). I really enjoy inserting it. Should I tell her I have it? Read my response…
I love to have my ass penetrated by my wife with a dildo. I love the stretching and rubbing, the kinkiness of anal sex. The only problem is that my erection gets very soft. I can masturbate to get off but I'm still fairly soft when I ejaculate. Is it because of the pressure on my prostate? Or because I'm concentrating on staying relaxed enough to take the dildo? Is there a way to maintain my erection while being penetrated. A cock ring? Viagra? Read my response…
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