7 Steps to Resolving Sexual Desire Differences
Desire differences are a leading reason why couples consult sex therapists.
At any age, new lovers can’t keep their hands off each other. But the “hot and heavy” period ends after a year or so, and sexual frequency declines. If both libidos subside identically, there’s no problem. But typically, one partner wants sex more than the other, and in long-term relationships, desire differences often become festering sores: “You never want to!” “You’re insatiable!”
Who wants sex more? If you’re thinking the man, you’re almost right. According to sex therapists, the man has more libido in two-thirds of cases, but surprisingly, in one-third, it’s the woman. When the man has more desire, it causes stress, but “everyone knows” that men are horny, so people expect this, it’s culturally normal. However, when the woman wants sex more, it’s culturally unexpected, more stressful for the couple, and may lead to name-calling. “Nymphomaniac!”
One largely unmentioned aspect of desire differences is that they eliminate nonsexual affection. Those with greater desire eagerly initiate hugging, cuddling, and kissing in part because it’s emotionally nourishing, but also in hopes of getting lucky. Meanwhile, those with less interest withdraw from kissing and hugging for fear that it might be misinterpreted as a sexual invitation.
Today, desire differences are a leading reason why couples consult sex therapists. Therapists typically ask, “In your relationship, who controls the sex?” Each points to the other—and both are astonished that their partner thinks they are in control when each of them feels powerless. The one with more libido feels eviscerated by every cruel “no.” And the one with less feels emotionally battered from constantly fending off advances.
Fortunately, desire differences CAN be resolved. Here are the steps sex therapists recommend:
• What do you really want? Is it sex? Or other needs: more fun together, nonsexual affection, or proof of your partner’s love. Despite desire differences, couples usually feel closer when they cuddle more, make social plans, and treat each other compassionately.
• Negotiate a compromise frequency. If one wants sex twice a week while the other prefers once a month, their average is four or five times a month. But averages don’t matter. The challenge is to is find a frequency you can both tolerate. Note: While couples have frequencies ranging from daily to never, surveys show that until around 40, the most typical frequency is around once a week, and after 50, two to three times a month.
• Schedule sex dates in advance. This is critical. Scheduled sex dates reassure higher-desire partners that lovemaking will actually happen, and they reassure lower-desire partners that it will happen only when scheduled.
The moment couples schedule sex dates, relationship tensions subside.
• “But suppose we have a date, and I’m not in the mood?” Lower-desire partners always ask this question. But in practice, the issue is usually less problematic than they fear. As scheduling reduces tension over sex, the relationship improves, and lower-desire partners can typically psyche themselves up for sex.
Of course, no sex schedule is carved in stone. Sex therapists advise trying scheduling for six months. If it’s not working, re-negotiate.
But usually, scheduling is a breath of fresh air. Higher-desire partners hate to grovel and lower-desire partners hate feeling besieged. Scheduling is usually a relief.
• Embrace your schedule in good faith. Don’t bicker about your compromise schedule. Higher-desire folks must not whine for more sex, and lower-desire partners must not cancel sex dates, or unreasonably postpone them.
• Cuddle more. When couples embrace their schedules in good faith, nonsexual affection returns to the relationship. Both people can initiate hugging, kissing, and cuddling without fear of misinterpretation because both know their schedule. Couples who have resolved desire differences often feel surprised by how much they’ve missed nonsexual affection, and astonished at how important it is to the relationship and their own well-being.
• Consider sex therapy. If you need help negotiating a schedule, or if a chronic desire difference has poisoned your relationship to the extent that you can’t discuss the issue, consult a sex therapist. To find one near you visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, or the American Board of Sexology. Figure four to six months of weekly hour-long sessions.
Questions & Answers
I’ve answered more than 12,000 sex questions from people around the world, of all ages, for free. Here are a few that relate to the topic of this post.
If you’d like to ask me a question of your own, please go to GreatSexGuidance.com.
My girlfriend of eight months (she is 36 & I am 50) always wants to have intercourse. She is not interested in cuddling or connecting, or in talking about sexuality and sensuality in any deeper way. As she puts it, she just wants “that thing in me.” Read more and my response…
Been together 3 yrs. I’ve never been with a man who could go without sex for long periods of time, but he does. He’s just not interested. I’m his longest relationship. He says he doesn’t know how to be with a partner as he’s always been by himself. Read more and my response…
My man ALWAYS wants rougher sex than I desire. I constantly feel like we are having porno sex. He says there is no such thing. I believe he really just doesn’t know better. He used to watch a lot of porn and no longer does because of my objections. He claims that it is his age that requires more intense stimulation for orgasm. Read more and my response…
My wife and I tried anal sex, and being ignorant, didn’t use lube at first so it was uncomfortable for her. Me, I was hooked. I love the power, mystique, and taboo of it, and love the feeling of ejaculating in her anus. We have tried it with lube since but our earlier experience turned her off and she didn’t want it. Read more and my response…